The Verge

Art Acquisition!

2008-08-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we were visiting the Roq la Rue Gallery and saw this excellent collection of pop surreal art. Now those of you who have seen my Wolpertinger know I like this kind of weird art, but this stuff was a little beyond what we had hanging on our walls.
I took a liking to several artists' works, but one in particular I decided to check out when I got home. Turned out to be a lucky break - the framed prints at the gallery were going for thousands, but I was able to get my hands on a delightful little Travis Louie print for a song.
The one I bought is titled Naven Overcomes his Phobia. I love it, and can't wait to find the perfect little oval frame to hang it on the walls here. Looks like one of those creepy ancestor photos, doesn't it??

NPR Homework at Mike's Wedding

2008-08-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sunday when we were driving home from Portland (and Mike Rabby's wedding), I heard a request on All Things Considered. Their Homework segment is an opportunity for listeners to speak up about something, and in this week's segment they asked folks to write in about a song that meant something to them. The timing couldn't have been better - I was thinking about this all weekend. I was compelled to write.

Here's what I sent them:

A few weeks before his wedding, my high school friend Mike told me he had put a song in the dance mix to remember Dawn, a friend of ours who had died. He wouldn't tell me what the song was, but he expected me to know. There was only one song for Dawn, and the memory of it playing still makes me laugh and cry.

Twenty years ago we were all high school seniors, finishing our last semester of school, writing for our school newspaper and getting ready for prom, graduation, and college. One day during a particularly intense deadline run, we all stopped, put on some music and just danced. I remember Dawn, full of life, on a desk with her bra swinging overhead to Erasure's A Little Respect. The joy was palpable, the future ahead of us. Nothing could stop us.

A few days after graduation, Dawn learned she had a brain tumor. That fall when we all left for school, Dawn stayed behind, resentful and hurt. She died before Christmas.

Two days ago I stood in the sweltering heat dressed to the nines, watching Mike dance with his new bride, still wondering if that would be the song. It was. When it came on, there was a dizzying moment that felt like I'd jumped off a building - and I ran to the dance floor, hugged him, and we laughed and cried the rest of the song.

Postscript:
Two days after I submitted this, I got a call from NPR. They recorded my story for the coming weekend's Homework selection, and I'm now waiting to see if it got selected for the on-air spot.

What's next in the JIP?

2008-08-09T19:39:00.000-07:00

I think yoga again over the winter, and continued walks when we can.
And I also think I'll take a class through UW on Memoir writing. It's about time.

Canyon Ranch 2008

2008-07-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Mom and I spent the hottest weekend possible in Tucson this July - and loved every minute of it. For Mother's Day I got Mom a trip to Canyon Ranch Spa and I went along as her cheerleader. We spent a crazy 5 days sweating and exercising, loofa-ing and soaking in the tub. It was awesome.

The grounds were beautiful and our suite superb. We each had a bed in the big bedroom, and there were two separate bathrooms (one with a giant soaking tub and a big window), a washer and dryer, and a living room. I think the suite was larger than our house. Right around the corner was a pool and I spent several hours there reading and sitting in the hot tub.

Also nearby was the spa complex, where each of us spent many hours a day. All of the treatments were in there - from massages and facials to body work like salt scrubs, Ayurvedic treatments, and the sweat lodge. The exercise rooms were in the spa building too, as were the racquet courts, the gym, and...best of all...the women's locker room. I know this will sound bizarre, but hear me out.

When you arrive at the Ranch, you get a locker for your entire stay, as well as slippers to wear in the spa. Robes and towels are abundant and fresh, and I grabbed one anytime I went in. The locker room had huge showers, a steam room, sauna and inhalation room (tea tree and peppermint oils in steam), two whirlpools and a cold plunge, a naked sunbathing patio and a quiet room. I took at least one nap in the quiet room, snuggled in my robe under a chenille blanket with cool cucumber and mint water at my reach. Fresh squeezed orange juice every day at 4pm - in the locker room! Need a razor? No problem. Need an icy cold towel? No problem. Need anything? No problem.

I got ambitious my first full day at the Ranch and started with a World Dance class. It was only 45 minutes and I wasn't the oldest there (nearly the youngest, I think), but I was dead beat when that was over. I headed for the locker room and spent a couple of hours just chilling out inside. Actually, I found it to be the most relaxing place in the spa. No phones, no noise, just the sounds of water and quiet whispering. It was perfect.

I had a couple of spa treatments while I was there - the first was a North African hammam-type treatment, complete with a coffee ground and lime pit rub down, and a soak in a tub full of rose petals. The treatment was luxe, like nothing I can get in Seattle. It was a perfect start to the weekend, and made me realize that as long as a bathroom has high enough ceilings and appropriate lighting, you don't have to have windows. Sure, it feels subterranean, but peaceful.

The second spa treatment I had was the Shirodhara, an Ayurvedic treatment in which oil is dripped onto the forehead. I was led through the treatment carefully, and it was extremely meditative. I left exhausted but relaxed. This is something I can easily get in Seattle and will probably look into it more.

The third - and most challenging - treatment I had was a Native American sweat lodge-type treatment, made appropriate for Ranch visitors, but still very hard and very tiring. Kevin was my guide, part Lakota and part Navajo I think - superb. We had Miles Davis playing for the whole first hour - intense body work in the hydromassage tub, and then deep tissue work in the steamroom. It lasted almost 3 hours, and I drank about 10 containers of water, about 16 oz each. Afterwards I was drained and disoriented, and I went back to the locker room where I slept a bit and rested before dinner. I loved it.

As I said, it was beautiful being there and I'd go back again if I could save the money to do it again. I think Mom really enjoyed herself too - eating that well and playing racquetball our last two nights - we both slept well and felt great as we left. I'd totally encourage people to go, if you can get past some of the hokey stuff.

Here are some pictures from our trip. There were lots of animals on the property, although the one I really wanted to see (a javelina) never appeared. Boo.

An anniversary, of sorts

2008-07-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. It's been a year since we brought Lucy home, and 6 months since I lost Grendel. I can't imagine our home without her, but still I can't believe my little man has been gone that long. His urn's still sitting next to the computer, waiting for us to decide if we're putting him into the foundation of the house (long story, ask next time) or if I'm going to parcel him out to friends to spread everywhere.
And Lucy's something else. Since becoming lone dog in the pack, her princessy behaviour has gotten even more noticeable, and she's absolutely and completely Todd's girl. Finicky about her food, she still fights nail clippings - but at least she's started to chew her own nails when we sit down to watch movies on the computer. Weirdo.

Lucy Bland at the Triple Door Musiquarium

2008-07-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Lucy Bland had a terrific couple of sets recently at the Triple Door Musiquarium here in Seattle. The crowd was good, foot traffic even better, and although the stage was tiny, they really got in there and played at crowd-level. Nice job!

How goes the plan?

2008-07-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

So many long months ago I started (again) another little improvement plan. While I haven't been in the gym as much as I might have liked, I've changed quite a few things and I think it's going well.
The first thing I did was get a job that I liked. Actually, lucky for me - I love my new job, and I think it loves me back. I get to walk to work and home every day (about 1.2 miles), and I work like crazy when I'm in the office. One of my officemates (Dianne) and I have started walking around Greenlake each morning (3 miles), and that's been absolutely terrific. Lucy gets a walk early in the day, and I feel like my mornings get off to a good start.
I'm still in ballet class once a week, and now that I'm in my third or fourth session, I can really feel the difference in my legs and butt. This stuff takes time, but it's working slowly.
I head to a couple of day retreat to Canyon Ranch with Mom in mid-July and I expect that to be a much-needed reboot. More on that soon!

Favorite Things: Pecorino with Truffle Honey

2008-04-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

I had this once (and again) at Lampreia, and have finally been able to reproduce it. I still need to perfect the melting of the cheese, but damn, this is on my last supper list.

Lucy Bland Reviews

2008-03-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

I've noticed some great buzz out there, so I thought I'd share some of the great press!

3/14/08: Kenya Jones at ACED Magazine
3/17/08: Kathleen Fennessey at Fuzz.com
3/24/08: Rod Modell at PopMatters
3/27/08: Eugene Weekly
5/7/08: NPR's Second Stage
6/12/08: Three Imaginary Girls

Lucy Bland On Tour!

2008-03-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hey folks! Lucy Bland is hitting the road this Wednesday, and they've gotten a nice little write-up in the Eugene Weekly for their first show.
If you're in one of these places, check them out!

Apr 2 2008 8:00 PM Eugene, OR
Sam Bond's
407 Blair Blvd., Eugene, Oregon 97402
with local band the Fast Computers

Apr 3 2008 8:00 PM Chico, CA
Cafe Coda
65 Humboldt Ave., Chico, California 95928
with local bands Surrogate and Belda Beast Cafe Coda is all ages beer/wine for those of age Cover’s are $5

Apr 4 2008 San Francisco, CA
Retox

Apr 5 2008 8:00 PM Merced, CA
The Partisan
432 W Main St, Merced, CA 95343

Apr 6 2008 8:00 PM Los Angeles, CA
Tangier

Lucy IS a pit bull

2008-03-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I had a scary experience yesterday - probably my first real one with Lucy, and I figured I ought to share it.
I took Lucy with me to run errands yesterday - I picked up a pair of glasses, headed to the pharmacy...all of the things you do on Saturdays. When we had a few extra minutes, I took her down for a walk along Leschi. This was her first visit to that part of town, and there's a big walkway there and plenty to look at, so I thought it would be good for us to do something different. The weather was beautiful, and after about half a mile of insane Lucy behavior, she finally calmed down and started to walk well.

We stopped just past the marina and sat down to watch the dragon boat teams practice. The sky was clear enough to see the mountain and the weather was great. I had brought treats and a bone for Lucy to chew on, and she was by my feet gnawing away happily while I talked to Mom and Dad on the phone.

To my left I could see a stroller approaching, and a toddler wobbling ahead of his dad. He teetered in my direction, and I promptly hung up on Mom, knowing I had to play good ambassador with Lucy the crazy and a small child. His father told him to ask before petting, and he did from about 6 feet away. I had my hand on Lucy, with one hand under her collar and the other gripping her leash like my life depended on it. She's always been pretty good with kids - I can wave a treat in front of her and they can pet her all they want. This one was different. He was small and uncertain in his steps, and he was bundled up like it was winter - a coat with the hood pulled over his head, sunglasses and a pacifier. I think it was that combination - and the silent approach - that scared her because all of her hackles went up and she growled a deep, frightened growl. She bore her teeth and then started barking a panicked bark, the whole time standing in front of me and pushing me backwards.

I was horrified. I apologized profusely to the father, saying that perhaps it was the pacifier and the sunglasses, and that maybe she just got startled. But Lucy wouldn't calm down. I pulled her aside and made her sit - and then made her do a trick or two to show the little boy that she was a funny dog, but just not one to talk to at that moment. The dad said it was OK, and that this was a good lesson for his son, and that it was probably just a surprise to the dog. He then asked if we took her to the dog park to get her used to small kids (we do, but not off leash I explained), and what kind of dog she was. There it was, the big question. I said she was part pit, and yup, he said he thought so, and that she looked like a staffordshire bull terrier. He picked up his son and I walked away, heading right for a crowd of small kids. Lucy didn't even flinch that time.

Down to Sea Level Release Party

2008-03-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday night (3/19/08) I had the pleasure of attending Lucy Bland's excellent CD release party at the High Dive in Fremont. I'm not sure exactly how many people were there, but I have to say there were at least 200 people through the door when the band was on. The show was fantastic - the stage at the High Dive is big enough for everyone to get some visibility, and the sound guy who had started out as sort of a jerk earlier in the evening really got them sounding good even though they'd had no sound check.
They debuted a couple of new songs - Memory and Skyscraper - and the entire set was really upbeat and had a lot of energy. They did a terrific job (my photos don't do them justice), and I'm really excited to see their CDs for sale on CD Baby, iTunes, and at Easy Street, Cellophane Square and other places around town!!

Lucy & Mars - it's LOVE!

2008-03-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, they're in doggie heaven when they're together - and we love it too because we don't have to baby sit them. Enjoy these pictures!

Lucy Bland's Down to Sea Level releases 3/18!!

2008-03-03T22:39:00.000-08:00

There's plenty of great news about Lucy Bland!!

Last Friday night they had a killer show at the Sunset in Ballard, and on 3/18 they will have a CD release party at the High Dive in Fremont.

Check their site for complete updates - and tour dates for the West Coast!!

Did you know I'm taking ballet?

2008-03-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

Indeedy.
I'm in week 7 of 8 this week, and we just started doing pirouettes. Tough, but love it.

And no, there are no recitals or public viewings of my humiliations.

The Eagles are back at Montlake

2008-03-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

On the bus today, I saw one flying overhead...

Do Something Good Today: kiva.org

2008-03-03T20:54:00.001-08:00

In January I made a promise to myself - no more gifts. I mean, we have a house full of stuff, we can barely fit already, and I'm really at a place in my life where I want less stuff. Less stuff means less waste, it means less cleaning, and more importantly, less junk. And for my friends, I'm going to try to follow the same rule and give you something you can use for the benefit of someone else.

This is what I sent to all of my friends on January 2:

Are you looking for an excuse to do good this year? Got some resolutions to give more? Well, rather than wait until the end of the year to send out a bunch of money, I've decided to start my year with a bang (and a plan) to lend money through Kiva.org. And I'm going to keep doing this all year long, and try to get more folks involved. Why? Because we have so much, and this is such a simple gesture.

Kiva.org is a non-profit that allows you to make a small 0% loan to low income entrepreneurs in the developing world (microfinance). We can help provide affordable working capital for the poor -- money to buy a sewing machine, livestock, etc. -- and empower them to earn their way out of poverty.

You know what's amazing about Kiva? It's how fast it's growing. At the end of last year I heard a speech by one of Kiva's founders about microfinance. I decided to take a look at their site to learn more. When you log in to Kiva, you can see the folks who have applied for loans - what they want to use the money for, where they are, their payment history - everything. They ask for so little, it's completely humbling to read. But the coolest thing is that after a few minutes, you can literally see the applicants loan requests filled and they move from the 'Need' column to the 'Active' column. I've sat for hours watching people come on to the list of applicants and roll off faster than I can loan them funds. It's thrilling and makes my skin tingle to think that there are enough people logging on and loaning money that sometimes you'll catch the system saying 'Congratulations, we've raised enough money to fill every application that's been submitted!' I've seen it once and nearly cried at what a beautiful thought that is.

Here are some stats from last week (New Year's week), for the skeptics:

$794,525 loaned (over the holiday week, I saw this number at ~$950k - in a WEEK!)
786 businesses finished paying back loans (incidentally, the delinquency and default rates hover around 0. That's ZERO percent. Check it.)
1160 businesses were funded
11921 new lenders joined (NEW! NEW people loaning money, all at a minimum of $25 = ~$300000 last week alone from brand new people!)
3.5 hours to fully fund a business

Okay, this is enough from me. I'm done with my soapbox. Please, if you can and you're interested look at this. It's nifty cool, it's easy, and will make great presents this year (no waste, no junk, no 'giftrocity'). Good karma, you know?

Happy new year, everyone. Thanks for reading, and pass the word.

So far, I've made 6 loans and I've given 3 friends gift certificates on Kiva to get them started too. I've watched with excitement when my first loan was distributed and I proudly showed off my borrower's first payment back into the system. I can't tell you how amazing it makes me feel knowing that I can have this sort of impact.

There is a drawback, something quite unexpected I saw and felt in January - and I have to warn you about it because it's always a possibility. I had gone to the site to check on some stats when I saw a large number of journal recommendations for borrowers in Kenya. This was in the middle of the fighting there - chaos had descended on Nairobi and we were getting our first reports on kiva as to the impact. By the time I finished reading, I was exhausted and angry and crying. So many people who had asked for so little had everything taken - sometimes their houses were burned down, sometimes their businesses looted and burned, and on many, many occasions, the people were butchered, killed, or missing. The money had nothing to do with my anger. It was like I'd been present when we planted a tiny seedling, and now I saw that someone had come in and practically poisoned the earth so nothing would grow back. Everything these people had worked for was gone, and I felt as touched by it as I could a million miles away.

Check out my kiva page, and join in. Make a difference.

Dinner at Lampreia

2008-03-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

Lampreia, Scott Carsberg's joint on 1st Ave in Belltown, has been beckoning for a while. I'd been there once long ago, but Todd hadn't been so we made reservations for Saturday night and got all dressed up for it.

I'm here to blow the lid off the Lampreia experience. So many people I know have opinions about the place - the chef's a tyrant (I'm told), the food inspired but expensive, it's dated, the waiters skitter around like they're walking on eggshells...

And when you walk by the place or try to get more information, you know why. The windows are completely covered and lit from the outside so you can't see in. No menu is posted on their door or their website. In fact, it's not really a website as much as it is a full-color business card with no links to anything. All you hear about is the chef's rep and how magical the food is. So here goes...

The interior looks like an old hotel restaurant. Creamy walls, muted lighting, quiet service. The window to the kitchen is open to the dining room (but slightly obscured), but it is absolutely silent in that place. White tablecloths, maybe 13 tables total - and when we walked in there was only 1 other table there. We saw only 25 covers (diners) the whole evening, and most of the tables stood bare all night. It was Saturday night.

When we arrived at our table, our waiter brought over the evening's first foray - an albacore tuna tartare on savory biscuit with a little pureed avocado. When I reached for my plate, he said, 'no, you should take it with your hands.' When I started to move it toward my mouth, he said, 'the chef would like you to enjoy this in a single bite.' Uh-huh. So this was how it started.

A quick overview on the menu: in the bottom-left corner of the page, it told diners that they were to remove any papers, pens, pencils, writing instruments - anything that could document the experience - from the table. Phones were to be off. On the right side of the menu was a list of course choices. On the left was a short note that said, 'many of my customers asked me for the pleasure of cooking for them. To do this, please close your menu and let me cook' or something like that. It was the offer for a tasting menu. Todd and I picked that, 8 courses. We had already each ordered a glass of wine (bad, we should have asked what sort of wine would be suggested before we committed to the tasting menu).

Here's the menu:
1. Burrata with pureed mango
2. Locally caught Dungeness crab stuffed in a shaved Fuji apple cigar. Served with apple gelee and smoked salt
3. Celeriac veloute with smoked cream and celery leaves
4. Poached foie gras enrobed in hazlenut cocoa ganache, served with candied red pepper and kumquat puree
5. Steamed artichoke bottom stuffed with lightly smoked cow's milk cream-type cheese, served with pureed tomato, pureed Kalamata olive paste, and a tomato wafer
6. Cedar-smoked duck breast ham with date puree and a bitter endive pesto
7. Pacific bass seared (pan fried, really) with smoked paprika, served with 'carrots' made of yukon gold potatoes and pequillo peppers and a wilted scallion
*** At this point, we inserted a cheese course that wasn't part of the menu, but made the meal for me:
Todd's - shaved Parmagiano Reggiano with 25 yo Balsamic vinegar
Mine - Broiled Pecorino on an Alder plank rubbed with white truffle honey and served with a candied chestnut and shaved black truffle
8. Dessert (also different, I guess based on the feedback we'd given all night about each course)
Todd's - Buffalo milk yogurt mixed with blueberries, served with blackberries and raspberries sandwiched between vanilla wafers
Mine - Watsonville strawberries cored and stuffed with white chocolate mousse, served on a strawberry coulis with a strawberry wafer

We finished the meal with a selection of petit fours: a 65% cocoa truffle, coconut macaroon, peanut butter cookie, lemon cookie and cinnamon cookie.

The whole meal took 3 hours, and cost about the same as the Herbfarm. I'd come back here again.

And how did we remember all of the details? I wrote it all quickly on the only piece of paper I was allowed. My credit card receipt.

Favorite Things: Sottocenere al Tartufo

2008-02-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

OMG. I don't know where this has been my whole life - but I found it after getting into truffle popcorn, which we got in Dallas the last time we visited Jessica (that will be another post). Something struck when I went to Whole Foods recently - and I grabbed a block of Sottocenere al Tartufo, a cow's milk cheese spotted with black truffles. You can smell it in the fridge even when it's all wrapped up. Todd couldn't eat much of it, but I could cut chunks off and just chow down.

Here's a link for more information...

Lucy's First Hike: Twin Falls

2008-02-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

We took Lucy out for her first hike recently - and I bought her a nice, big pack from REI so she could get used to carrying her own load. The night before the hike we filled up 2 Nalgene bottles and I took Lucy for a walk in her new pack. She complained all the way to Third Place Books and back, but she was a good sport when I made her jump on ledges and sit down fully loaded. I figured it would help her get used to it, because that following morning we were going to load her down even more when we got to the trail.

In the end we only walked a couple of miles to the falls, but Lucy carried her pack with our water and snacks the whole way. In fact, neither Todd nor I carried a thing - but we had to hang on to Lucy, and she was still mighty strong. On our way back from the end of the trail we unharnessed her - we thought she might be tired - and realized immediately that was a bad idea. She was so excited to get the pack off that she nearly took off over a ledge with Todd at the other end of her leash. That lasted about 20 feet, and we saddled her back up again.

We'll keep working on her, and maybe by the summer she'll be ready for a night of camping at Goat Rocks!

Grendel 1994 - 2006

2008-01-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago I read a book about the dead. It said that as long as there was someone alive to remember them, they went to another place, living out a happy life waiting for their friends and loved ones to join them.

This weekend, my little man joined them.

Whether the days were light or dark, he was always by my side and in my heart, and I would not be the person I am today without him. I only hope to one day be as good a person as he thought I was.

Remember him well.
Grendel 1994 – 2008

Favorite Things: Texas Pecans

2007-12-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

I sat at the dinner table one afternoon and cracked pecans from Jessica's yard - we had brought them back with us after our visit in October, and they'd been sitting quietly in the cabinet just aging. They taste different than pecans from California, and cracking them out of the shell and trying to keep the meat intact proved to be a very meditative activity.

A Few of My Favorite Things: Seckel Pears

2007-12-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

Mmmm. I love this time of year because I get my favorite fruit of the year: Seckel Pears. They're small and juicy, reminiscent of D'Anjou Pears, but they're beautiful and tiny, smaller than a mandarin orange. I like them almost overripe, when they're ruby in color and they drip from your chin when you bite in. I can eat a bag in a sitting, they're like candy. Here, I've pictured them with another favorite thing: Vella Bear Dry Jack Cheese.

NYC Weekend

2007-11-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

I had a short visit to New York before we left for Missouri for Thanksgiving, and I got good time in with friends (and plenty of good food!). Photos as follows...

Grendel-hol!

2007-11-02T18:20:00.001-07:00

I found this kind of fun toy called the Warholizer...Check out this picture of Grendel!

Best Chinese Ever!

2007-10-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

When we arrived in Waco for a visit with my family, we were greeted with a spread so unexpected that I had to write about it. My grandmother (mom's mom) had been prepping a Chinese meal for the previous few days, and she was pulling out all the stops for our arrival. Because it's so infrequent that we're in Texas for a visit, she made sure that plenty of people were there and all had something special to eat.
While she was cooking the last dish, we managed to get the entire episode on video and let me tell you, my grandmother would make a great cooking show host. I'm going to try to get more videos of her doing things like this.
Mom and Dad had gotten there a few minutes after we arrived, and Mark and Uncle showed up shortly thereafter too. Including Popo, there were 7 of us who sat down to the following meal:
Beef and broccoli (Mark's dish)
Chicken in lettuce cups (Uncle's dish)
Chicken in black bean sauce (Mom's dish)
Piccadillo (a Cuban alternative, just in case Mark didn't have enough to eat)
Chinese soup
Lobster Cantonese (sort of Dad's dish, sort of just special)

All of it was outstanding!

Tillman's Roadhouse

2007-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

On a visit to Waco recently, we got to spend the night with Jessica and Jay, and they took us to a fun place in Dallas called Tillman’s Roadhouse. Imagine a fancified Shady Grove, if you know the place in Austin. It had a swanky bar with equally swanky cocktails (from the cocktail mistress Lucy Brennan), but it was really just an upscale hunting cabin, complete with animal heads hanging from the walls. The animal heads were wooden, and the room lighted with shabby-chic chandeliers, but you get the idea.
When we were seated, the waiter brought two different snacks – fresh roasted Spanish peanuts and truffle popcorn. I think it was kettle cooked with white truffle oil and then topped with a little shaved black truffle. It was the best popcorn I’d ever eaten and completely original.
For appetizers, we shared a round of deep-fried pickles – they were closer to sweet pickles, not dill pickles – and they were served with homemade ketchup and horseradish mayo. To continue the fried theme, we had a trio of French fries: Peruvian purple potato, sweet potato and Yukon golds topped with a chile spice, smoked salt, and a rosemary garlic mixture respectively. Dinner was equally creative - the guys had chicken fried hanger steaks, Jessica had a supreme hamburger (with foie gras) and I had Frito pie, made with venison chili.
But dessert was where it was at. We four shared a little sterno-hibachi grill and made fresh s'mores from homemade marshmallows, homemade graham crackers and a nice, dark chocolate. Yum!

Give Thanks

2007-10-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

Over the last two weeks, I've ben witness to a couple of remarkable transformations. One was very public, the other a little more private. But both were moving and gave me pause to think about the big things - family, friends, life, love and happiness.
The first was the death of a little girl from the Seattle area. Her name was Gloria Strauss. She'd been battling a particularly nasty form of cancer for four of her short twelve years - and the last six months her family allowed a reporter in to chronicle her battle. I picked up the thread in August when she'd fallen into a coma - and somehow I managed to read his blog entry every day since. I quietly asked around - others were reading about her too. It sounds voyeuristic, but she had such grace in the face of it all that it was a salve to all who peered in.
The second was the end of a friend's marriage. The last several months had been painful - I'd seen him bitterly angry, flippant, and mean-spirited. All at once within a few short weeks, his wife left. Left him and his two small kids. All of it. She had her reasons, as did he. And somehow, he's come out of it a little more thoughtful, not quite regretful, and full of wisdom one has only when living in that state. The further I get from that place, the more of that wisdom I fear I lose. But it turns out that it's not a momentary grace (there's that word again), but becomes part of you, it's in your bones and lives in every choice you make thereafter - even if you don't smart from the source anymore. And today when I spoke with him, I heard it in his voice - and it came back to me too. I came home, hugged the dogs, made sure Todd knew that I love him, and made dinner. And tomorrow I'll not be so earnest.

Lucy Bland at Nectar

2007-09-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

Lucy Bland played at Nectar tonight - and their show was a smash. They played for the first time since finishing their album (Down from Sea Level), and they used this show to introduce fans to their new drummer, Chris.
Their next show is at the Sunset Tavern - they headline on a Thursday night at the end of October, and I'm encouraging everyone to come out. Making the Sunset's a big deal for them, and it would be great for them to get a good show of support! Hope to see you there!

Painin' and Gainin', I suppose

2007-09-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I've now been to the gym a couple of times and at yoga regularly - and although it's only been a week I can tell things are starting to shift. My eating patterns are changing a bit, but my muscles are where I feel the most change. Everything's achey after I do my workout - and I didn't even see the personal trainer this week. I'll see him next week and for a few weeks more, and after a month we'll have a weigh-in and progress check.
So do I have a goal for this whole thing? Well, I had to put numbers down, if just to give something the trainer to measure progress by (and my measurement of his abilities as a trainer). The bigger goal is 20lbs - not too much, actually - and the short-term goal (3 month goal) is 12lbs. He took measurements of my waist, thighs, calves, hips, bust - everything you can imagine - and gave me my fat percentage (not pretty). So for all those things, he gave me a goal too. I won't say what it is, but making it would be an accomplishment.

Jenny Improvement Plan

2007-09-13T00:28:00.000-07:00

A long time ago when I was in Weight Watchers, I remember standing in line waiting for my weekly weigh-in. This older woman standing next to me was telling me about her goals - and how the only thing she wanted was the body she'd had at 20. I told her that I wanted to be great at 40. Screw 20, I'd never be that again.
So last week I hit 37 - while I don't obsess over a cut, lean body, I'd still like to look great at 40. Not a bad goal.
I'm pretty active - yoga weekly, heavy gardening, and a good amount of walking. And I don't eat all that bad - almost no soft drinks, rarely coffee, and lots of fruits and vegetables.
Yet my weight doesn't ever shift, and my clothes always fit the same way. I figured I'd plateaued, and it was time to shake things up a bit.
This week, I rejoined a gym and hired a personal trainer. Thursday I'm in for a haircut, and Saturday I'm off to the spa for a refresher.
I'll keep you posted on my progress!

The Story of Lucy

2007-08-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

We got notice yesterday that we are finally, officially Lucy's guardians. The application process was a long one, and it included reference letters, changing of homeowners insurance companies - all of that. I have to thank our refs for this process - they were critical in helping us bring Lucy home permanently! Cheers go out to Jessica, Cherish, and Eric for their kind words and never-ending support!
I wanted to give you the background that we got on Lucy just the other day - it really starts in a shelter in Pasco, WA because before the shelter, we don't know where Lucy was. In early May 2007, the shelter in Pasco found itself in a very bad spot: 150 dogs were being housed in the shelter, and they couldn't get them adopted fast enough before another group came in. The did not have a license to euthanize, so they put a call out to area shelters and rescue organizations to take dogs - free of charge - to alleviate the overcrowding. Puppies, elderly dogs, and special needs were really suffering because of this; their shelter wasn't built to hold nearly this many dogs, and even though they were refusing owner abandonments, they still had to accept dogs brought in by animal control.
Carina from Animals First Foundation called and said she had room for 2 dogs - and the woman in Pasco was given the task of picking out two dogs for rescue. She was giving as many dogs away as possible, but she would not send out pit bulls because they are so difficult to place. Carina urged her to pick out a pit bull - there must be one in there that can be saved - and after a bit of searching and temperment testing, she pulled out Lucy. Here are the pictures of little Lucy at Pasco before AFF picked her up.
She's grown an awful lot in the last 4 months. Since we picked her up in mid-July, she's put on 5 - 7 pounds already, and she's starting to bulk up in her shoulders and her head. Her legs are already incredibly muscular and although she doesn't have a classic pit bull body, she's still got a wicked looking mouth if you're on the receiving end of a nip. She graduated from her first obedience class yesterday, and maybe once she's really mastered all of these things, she can go back for some more advanced work.
But for now, I try to never turn my back on her in the yard - anywhere that she can pick up speed, really - she's got a leap of a frisbee dog and can knock me over in a flash. We're hoping she'll be great at frisbee one day (if she doesn't eat it first), if we can ever let her off-leash. That said, I think we're resigned to the fact that she will probably never go to the off-leash park to play. I can't remember ever seeing a pit bull of any kind at the park, and now that I know the breed a little better, I know why. You can't leave them alone, because they can't be allowed to make their own decisions. They are too smart and too strong, and other dogs just love to pick fights (pits stare, and that's class-A provocation for just about any dog). So we're happy to take her to the lake and maybe one day to the beach or hiking in the mountains. And who knows, maybe one day it'll be different. She and Grendel are getting along just fine, and they seem to be sharing things quite well, from the occasional shared snack to their chew toys. Grendel, despite being covered with allergy breakouts (and a severe loss of hair) is more energetic than he's been in a long time. I have to think some of that is the new girl in town.

Mystery Spot!

2007-08-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, I wouldn't normally put this on a blog post, but it's been around so long that I figured it will some day make a big scar and someone will ask me about it. It's the thing on the back of my leg, recently acquired (like, end of July perhaps) and it won't go away. NOTE: There's a picture of it down at the bottom of this post - don't scroll to see if it you think you'll be grossed out. It's about the size of a silver dollar, looks like a lyme disease bullseye, and sometimes itches and sometimes doesn't. We've had a nasty infestation of spiders this summer, but when I went to the doctor the other day, he told me he didn't think it was a spider bite (I have more of those on my body already and they don't look like this!). The only thing the doctor could say for sure is that it isn't cancer (whew!), it isn't flesh-eating bacteria, and it's not lyme disease. He didn't think it was a spider bite because by now it would be necrotic if it was a bad spider bite, or it would have gone away. It's perfectly round with a red raised center and a middle field that is bare, and then a nice, red outer ring. Next step - to the dermatologist! Stay posted...

The mystery spot...

Back to School

2007-08-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

I went back to work this week, and I’m happy to be back. I started on Monday and it’s been a pretty low-key week, so far. I expect it will pick up at some point, but right now I’ve had the luxury of trying to get up to speed without a million things coming at me. Lucy’s starting to fall into a nice rhythm too. Before bed I get hers and Grendel’s food ready, Grendel’s seaweed glucosamine snack, and fresh water out. In the morning, Todd gets up and takes her out while I get Grendel out and fed and then I run to work. I take care of both of them when I get home until Todd comes home. Lucy’s getting better every day. She’s been a little troublesome in the crate over the last couple of days and I suspect it’s because of the stress of change so we loaded her up with a nice bully stick and she’s a little better. She was great on the walk last night, so I think she’s getting better still.

Mark spent some time here last weekend and it was good to see him. He was here for Microsoft Gamefest, a conference designed for game studios to learn best practices around submission of their games to MS. He’s been at it a couple of times and came for the networking opportunity and for fun. We got some tasty eats at the Kingfish Café before he left, and Saturday night we took him to the Palace Kitchen.

Sometime over the last couple of weeks we’ve had an infestation of spiders here in Seattle, and I had a nasty bite on my arm that finally cleared up this week. Oddly enough though, I have a bite on the back of my leg. It’s been there since the end of July and is getting larger, so I’m heading to the doctor tomorrow. It’s a couple of inches large and looks frighteningly like a bulls eye, the hallmark of lyme disease. But I don’t have any of the other symptoms so I’m hoping it’s just a nasty spider bite that never cleared up!

Things I Did Between Jobs

2007-08-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

I tried to keep track of everything I wanted to do (and managed to accomplish) while taking time off this summer.

Have lunch with Ernie - Cancelled!
Make Hoegaarden - DONE!
Make all-crust potato gratin
Make fried pies
Make Michel Richard's Apple Icebox Terrine
Make pate sucree
Re-pot the Napentheses - On HOLD until FALL
Learn some Javascript and make a cool timewaster
Pick up the Pig! - DONE!
Make fruit syrup bases for spritzers
Have lunch with Cam - DONE!
Fill out living will - DONE!
Beers with Sam at the Bierstube - DONE!
Go to the dentist - DONE!
Return to work plans - DONE!
Make plans to visit Texas - DONE!
Make plans for Tofino, BC - CANCELLED!
Go see Harry Potter - DONE (YAY!)
Make Rigatoni w/ tomatoes, eggplant & mozz - DONE!
Freeze Jamie Oliver's Tomato Mac & Cheese - DONE!
Pre-make & freeze mini pies - Change of plans!
Start Dog Obedience Classes for Lucy - DONE!
Call Nancy Hall - DONE!
Go to the spa - SAVED FOR LATER!
Practice Tart Dough (Carlo's Cookie dough) - DONE!
Kayak Lake Washington - DONE!
Make angel food cake in my new silicon pan - DONE!
Lunch with Dave & Amy - DONE!
Recycle scrap metal at Pacific Iron & Metal - DONE!
Lunch with Huy - DONE!
Lunch with Ev, Kim, Jacqueline & Summer - DONE!
Dinner plans with Andrea & Sean - DONE!
Have freezer hauled away - DONE!
Get Rx filled - DONE!
Make cookie dough to store in the freezer - DONE!
Voter registration in WA - DONE!
Renew my passport - DONE!
See Love in the Afternoon at the SAM - CANCELLED!
Renew my driver's license - DONE!
Wash the dog - DONE!
Make ice cream - DONE!
Go see Rion at Deep Roots - DONE!
Change Metro purchase properties - DONE!
Buy a Chest Freezer - DONE!
Buy books at Third Place - DONE!
Buy Mom's BD present - DONE!
Finalize 401(k) rollover - DONE!
Buy Star Wars stamps - DONE!
Buy Jeffrey's grad present - DONE!
Take stuff to storage - ALREADY DONE!
Put in more wine racks - ALREADY DONE!
Reorganize the Pantry - ALREADY DONE!

Going Back...

2007-08-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Well, the date's picked - and I'm going back to work. After taking a little more than a month off, I'm ready to go back to the (an) office and get back into a regular routine. I've loved having the time off and I spent a lot of time baking, cooking, and taking care of those little things I had not done for a while. But at the same time, I'd started to feel aimless, spending the day cooking randomly and snacking, not playing as much tennis as I wanted to, and showering intermittently! It's time to get back to making some cash, enjoying the challenges of work, and learning to budget time in our regular lives for those little things I've spent a month doing.
Yes, I'm going back to Redmond. But I'm going back on my terms, and with a long-term plan.

It's Official. She's here to stay!

2007-07-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well, we've finally put in the adoption papers for Lucy and called our references to tell them - and you'll start seeing plenty more posts about her (and Grendel) for a long time.
We went to our first obedience class with her this week - aside from two pee incidents (she was trying to tell us), she did great. She seems to have learned the sit command (no speaking, just a hand gesture) and is progressing with 'Watch Me' pretty well. However, Linda (our instructor) already gave us a little private coaching on how we might want to tackle her more challenging issues - her mouth. She's definitely a mouthy dog, and while a good knee to the chest works when she's running at us in the backyard, it's the gentle nipping on city streets that I really worry about. Everyone in class is great, and they recognize she's young and needs to learn. Not everyone in public feels that way, and more often than not, other dog owners (and their dogs) are far scarier for how they behave when approaching us. How about those great folks who let their terriers run at the far end of a retractable leash directly at Lucy full speed? Or those dog owners with very large 'oh, she's friendly' dogs who let them run off-leash everywhere - and then can't call them back when they make eye contact with our 'she will kill you' dog? I cross the street when approached by another person with a dog, or I give them a very wide berth. A child? I'll cross the street or make Lucy sit (with my hand tight under her collar) until the family's far past the 6 foot reach of her leash. No matter what, we will be good ambassadors for this breed - it's our responsibility. But I tell you, when that guy came up to Todd and said 'it's not the breed, it's the owner,' I really feel like someone should have said, 'no, it's the other dogs' owners.'
And Grendel? A little older, and definitely requires some protection from her, but he's doing just fine. They're striking a balance and have even worked together to get food out of a food puzzle.

I Get It Now

2007-07-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

After having Lucy for a week, I think I finally understand what it must be like for new parents (of babies, not just puppies). I always wondered how life changes so dramatically upon the arrival of a newborn - interests tossed aside, conversations about one thing only (the baby), and a noticeable decrease in grooming, cleaning, and acting like grown ups. I mean, I'm not stupid - I know kids take a huge amount of time and energy - but it's been so long since Grendel was a puppy that I had really forgotten some of the challenges of taking care of something completely dependent on you for food, shelter, and manners.

Don't get me wrong, Lucy's been a great dog. Better than either of us expected, I think. She's smart, energetic, and incredibly sweet. But she's a puppy and she does need constant supervision - and unlike Grendel, who even at 4 months was relatively calm - she is always (and I mean ALWAYS) moving. That means from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed, we know where she is, what she's doing, and what she has in her mouth. It also means we're on full-time - she's always watching, learning, absorbing, responding, and behaving in response. We have to respond to her carefully to set good precedent, to make sure we're being clear with instructions, not to confuse or punish her, but to encourage good behavior.

It also means that we work in shifts - when one of us needs a shower, the other watches both dogs. One day last week that meant cleaning up after Lucy's accident, only to discover Grendel had peed all over the place in response. And feeding them at the same time? Grendel has special food for his skin, Lucy has high-fat puppy food, something old man Grendel doesn't need. Who likes what? She likes his, he likes hers.

So what am I trying to say here? Well, it's been 2 days since I had a shower, I have dog treat crumbs between my toes and I've just spent an entire post talking about one thing. I get it now.

Lucy's in the crate, Grendel's asleep. I'm going back to my vacation list of things to do!

Day 9: A Restful Day

2007-07-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Simple day, lots of rain. The garden needs it badly. Today I made Carlo's Cookie Dough, a tart crust, as well as froze the cinnamon ice cream base that I made yesterday. I'm going to make a lemon meringue tart for Carl's BBQ on Saturday, and deviled eggs for Cat's BD party on Friday. Should be good.
The dogs are behaving today - the Gentle Leader head harness seems to be working pretty well. Lucy's chilled out a bit - she's sleeping on the floor of the orange room now while I'm working.
Grendel's snoring in his bed just outside the door. Whew.

Day 8: Exhausted, and here's why...

2007-07-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Still chugging through my list - I had lunch with Ev, Kim, Summer and Jacqueline yesterday (day 7) and made an Angel Food Cake with my new silicon pan - what a difference that made! Today I'm going to take it easy a little bit and make some curd from the leftover egg yolks, and maybe cinnamon ice cream from Rick Bayless' book.

But really, the reason things have slowed down a little is because of a little orange and white dog named Lucy. We've just brought her home (Sunday) and we're trying her out with Grendel - and if things go well, we hope to adopt her permanently.

Day 6: Easy On, Easy Off

2007-07-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. Todd worked from home today, so we started the day with a game of tennis and wound up ending it with one too. I met Huy for lunch today, and we made plans for my eventual return to Redmond. This weekend, we're going to meet Lucy in Fall City, and we're going kayaking on Saturday on Lake Washington!

Happy Bastille Day tomorrow!

Day 5: Getting Back on Track

2007-07-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

Now that it cooled off, I went back to checking things off the list:
- Finished making ice cream (wild Italian cherry ice cream today)
- Renewed my driver's license
- Mailed my passport renewal application
- Met a possible new dog to adopt!

It's time to review my list and see what else I've got planned - and what else I can squeeze in!

And as a Harry Potter Character...

2007-07-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm Ginny Weasley, too. How nice to spend a vacation doing crap like this.

Find out your Harry Potter personality at LiquidGeneration!

Me as a Simpsons Character

2007-07-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I created an avatar for myself at the Simpsons movie website. Too bad I couldn't add the Grendel tattoo!

Day 4: Stay Cool

2007-07-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today was supposed to be an errand and Harry Potter day - I purposefully didn't plan to do anything except go to the movies and get my driver's license renewed. But the weather has thwarted my plans, I believe. It's predicted to be 97 here today, and with no A/C and an elderly pooch to worry about, I'm staying home instead. We'll camp out in the basement later today - once it gets closer to the 90+ mark, and I'll read or write down there. It's about 15 - 20 degrees cooler in the basement, if not more.
In the meantime, I'm trickle-watering the trees (the heat killed the grass in a day) and washing the dog's bedding and toys. I am planning on giving him a bath in about an hour - at the high heat of the day - because it will cool him off a bit and I think he'll sleep better. This morning before breakfast I made blueberry buttermilk sherbet - a base I had started yesterday - and it froze up in about 15 minutes, nice and perfect. I'll probably make more base this afternoon for another kind, probably lychee lime sorbet or morello cherry ice cream. With 10+lbs of cookie dough in the freezer, I don't have to make more for the rest of the year - but sherbet, sorbet, and ice cream are always in short supply. Now that we have our new chest freezer, I'm busy working to fill it up! Piggie soon.

Day 3: Cookie Dough Day

2007-07-10T22:07:00.000-07:00

It's sweltering outside. And crazy as this may sound, I made cookie dough all day. Mostly all day, after I dropped Todd at work and bought supplies. Well, I also got my passport photo taken too, and I'll mail that off in the next day or so.
Today I made 5 different kinds of cookie dough, and I baked off samples of each for tasting (and sharing with Lucy Bland). Of course there was the basic Toll House cookie dough, and also my very tasty oatmeal cookie (with golden raisins). I also made the White Dog Cafe's Kitchen Sink cookie, which amounts to a coconut/pecan/butterscotch/oat cookie with loads of butter. The two experimental cookies were a lemon ginger cookie (with a lot of ground almonds instead of flour) and a black walnut cookie (to use up the black walnuts before they go rancid). Both were really tasty - although I would put more sugar (or use the dark brown sugar as called for) in the black walnut cookie.

RIP American Airlines, You're Dead to Me

2007-07-09T09:59:00.001-07:00

With the exception of flying American Airlines directly to Texas (I'd rather fly Continental anyway), I don't think I will ever fly with them again. Our visit to Missouri last week was marred with delays, incompetence, lame excuses, and bad equipment. Here's what happened.

Tuesday 7/3/07 7:58am Todd and I left home for the airport. We had a 9:30am flight from Seattle to DFW, and then a 3:50pm connection to Springfield. It would get us there in time for dinner and some preliminary fireworks. Our flight from Seattle to Springfield was fine, except for being seated at the very last row next to the lavatories (with seats that didn't recline because of the wall).

When we arrived in Dallas, found out the plan was 20 minutes delayed. We watched the horizon as big bruised storm clouds moved toward the airport. After 20 minutes, we still weren't boarding and the storm was pushing closer. Mind you, this is the same weather system that's had Texas in its grips for the last 6 weeks. Dallas looked like the Lake District. More time passed and the storm hit hard. The flight was cancelled. Rather than stand in line watching other flights board, I called AA (800-433-7300, a number I have now memorized) and was informed the rest of the flights for the night were full with long standby lists and we would have to go in the morning. The agent offered to put us on the standby list for the flight leaving at 6:30pm that night, getting into Springfield at 1pm the next day. When I asked how that was possible (it's a 55 minute flight to Springfield from DFW), she informed me it was a direct flight connecting through Chicago (direct does not = nonstop, you see. Just means you don't have to change planes).

We passed, and I called my dear friend Jessica who graciously took the imposition and put us up for the night (thanks, Jess! It was great meeting Jay too!). We were confirmed for seats on the 9:30am flight on 7/4/07 to Springfield. I checked with the Baggage Service Office to see if they could retrieve our luggage and they couldn't tell us where it was, but in 2 hours they might have an answer. Because Jessica couldn't get us for a few hours anyway, we went to dinner and sat around the airport - no luggage to be seen. In fact, we had heard different things from everyone. BSO told us the luggage was still in Dallas, but they didn't know where. The ticket guy said it was probably on its way. The gate agent said it left on the 630pm flight (which actually never left because they didn't have a crew to fly it, turned out). So we stopped at Walgreen's on the way home to get the essentials, minus clean clothes.

When we woke the next morning and checked the weather and flights, everything was a go. We got to the airport, but when we checked in they told us they'd cancelled the flight to Springfield for weather reasons. It was beautiful outside, but you know that doesn't mean anything. It's the loophole through which all excuses can be filed so they are not liable for anything. Weather = crew displacement = can't fly, so it can impact anything in the system and because it's a technical act of GAWD, they can't be held responsible for the fuck ups in the system. I know this, I used to have to deal with this all the time. He put us on the standby list for the 11:30am flight, but we were confirmed on a 2:30pm flight just in case.

As many of you know, standby flying can be great and it can suck. Especially when the airline decides to publish and regularly update the order of passengers on the standby list. When we got on the list, we were #s 10 & 11. By the time we reached the gate, we had fallen to 14 & 15. Before the flight took off, we had fallen further down on the list. American justifies this by saying that 'there are a number of things that impact your placement on the standby list, including AA Advantage status, disruption of schedule, etc.' This means musical chairs anxiety for everyone, and the families with 4 & 5 people (usually mostly children) are screwed every time.

Of course we didn't get on the flight. What were you thinking?

We did get on the 2:30pm flight. Well, when it became the 3pm and then 3:30pm and finally the 4:15pm flight. We arrived in Springfield nearly 32 hours after leaving home, and of course our luggage had been sitting there the whole time.

Our visit shortened, we made the best of it and turned around to leave on Saturday, 7/7/07 on a 6:30pm flight. The weather was good in Dallas and in Springfield and we felt good. I called at 2:30pm to confirm the flight was still on time (we had an 8:50 connection to Seattle), and the agent told me we didn't have a reservation. Apparently, we had never shown up to fly earlier that week, so they cancelled our itinerary. As you can imagine, I was furious. I explained that the flight was cancelled and we had graciously waited in the airport for 5 hours waiting for AA to get its shit together, and by no means had we mysteriously not shown up for the flight. The agent explained that when the flight was cancelled, they should have made adjustments to our initerary, but instead they merely cancelled it completely. She would do what she could to get us on a flight that night.

But it was 7/7/07, and we were lucky - there were a couple of seats on both the Springfield/DFW flight and DFW/Seattle flight. Be at the airport at the time you'd originally scheduled for the 6:30pm flight. Perfect. Well, maybe not. Because when we got there, we discovered the flight was delayed, now departing at 7:17pm. This was because of mechanical problems in Dallas and they had to swap out a plane and reboard all of the passengers and luggage. If the plane took off from Springfield at 7:17 and the flight was about an hour, we would have 10 lucky minutes to get to our flight to Seattle, the last of the night. I called to check the gate situation. We'd be going from terminal B to terminal C, and we'd have to take the Skylink, which came every 2 - 3 minutes. I made the call and we were going to try it - but just in case, they put us on the first flight out Sunday (7/8/07) to Seattle in case we missed our connection. As we waited for the plane to arrive, we saw the arrival time slip another 10 minutes and knew we just lost the only 10 minutes we had. We called Todd's parents to come get us. We sat at the soon-closing ticket counter (it closes at 7pm in Springfield, along with Security) and waited for our baggage and for rebooking the next day. Pam got us our luggage and put us on an 8:50am flight to Dallas, with an 11:45am departure to Seattle.

The next morning, we made the flight to Dallas, finally. We ate in the airport and got to the plane just in time - and got on board. So far, so good. Then it started raining and DFW closed the ramp, meaning that ramp folks couldn't service planes, either baggage, or pulling the planes with tugs, nothing. Lightening strikes were too frequent at that point and it was too dangerous. We sat on the plane at the gate for 45 minutes before we finally pushed back. And because the little things matter - note that I was in a middle seat that didn't recline and only played one channel of music (bad hip hop) and not the sound for the movie that I didn't give a damn about watching anyway.

Never again, American Airlines. And I'm pulling an Ana and I'm writing you a letter.

Day 2, after returning from Missouri

2007-07-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy day already. At 10:45a this morning, the new chest freezer is scheduled to arrive and the old one hauled away. I completed voter registration forms and filled out all of the online paperwork for renewing my passport by mail - the only thing left to do there is get my photo taken and mail the whole thing back to some place in Virginia. I'm buying tickets for Wednesday's Harry Potter opening too, and getting a few more things done around the house today. It's nice to be home.

The Real Day One

2007-07-02T11:05:00.001-07:00

Okay, okay - so weekend activities are cheating. I bought the freezer and scheduled to have the other one hauled away, called Metro and took care of that little stuff. Played tennis this morning, headed to Deep Roots before lunch, and foiled and cut my hair at VAIN this afternoon.

Day 1, Unemployment: The Sequel

2007-06-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of my time off between jobs. This morning I'm due for my waxing with Karen, and I'm mailing Mom's birthday present too. I found a snappy little bag at Fireworks from an Olympia company called Queen Bee - perfect. Last night I spent some time at Third Place shopping from my book buy list and picked up 4 or 5 books, except I couldn't find two I wanted to buy (Seamus Heaney's translation of Beowulf and A Thousand and One Arabian Nights). So that will happen later, as will a copy of HP7.

Tilth

2007-06-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

We ate dinner at Tilth last night, Maria Hines' place in Wallingford. It wasn't a knock-your-socks off dinner, but it was pretty nice indeed. Three of us ate, and here's the spread:

Drinks:
Backporch (Calvados, champagne and lemon)
Manhattan (made with house spiced cherries, I think)
5 glasses of wine, 1 glass of Madeira

Appetizers:
Cured sockeye salmon
Beef tartare served with these melba toast-like crostinis
Asparagus salad (peeled and tossed in a black truffle vinaigrette), topped with shaved asparagus (in another vinaigrette). Served with a deviled egg filled with truffle oil.

Entrees:
Duck burgers served with fingerling potato chips
Spring cannelloni with preserved lemon and foam
Black cod (although she called it sablefish, which made it sound all exotic) served with a fried green tomato, baby zucchini and baby pattypan squash

Salad:
Heirloom tomato salad with 3-basil chiffonade (thai, opal, and italian - although the italian was all I could taste) served with a drizzle of sicilian olive oil

Desserts:
Cheese course (including a lovely Hoja Santa wrapped/sasparilla-soaked goat cheese from DALLAS!)
Almond financiers with a strawberry rhubarb compote
Heirloom peach crostata served with cinnamon ice cream and candied bacon (guess which one I picked!)

The damage? $270, plus tip. Service was excellent.

My Little Old Man...

2007-06-18T22:23:00.001-07:00

Grendel gets slower every day. But he's still the best dog ever.

I've lost count...

2007-06-17T18:14:00.000-07:00

So many of my friends are having babies (or have just had them) that I'm losing count. I got away with my 20s and early 30s avoiding many weddings, engagement parties, and baby showers, but it seems to have just hit me pretty late.

As of this morning, I can think of 5 friends who have either just had or are about to burst forth a new person.

It's kind of a strange feeling - I get simultaneously curious/envious while also sort of realizing that might not be for me. Or rather, I'm just not sure we're willing to give up everything for that right now.

On Again, Off Again

2007-06-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have what amounts to a love affair with writing. Sometimes I want to bathe in it, enveloping myself in words, words, words. Other times I just want to be left alone to ponder and think about it. 'I need space,' I tell myself when I'm not in a writing mood. Such has been the last 10 months. And then before that, with my lame post entitled 'Accounting.' It was like reading one of those awful Christmas letters that people feel obliged to write and others feel obliged to snicker at in the company of those who know better. I've been so busy writing I haven't felt self-indulgent enough to document it. At least not here.

So I have no excuses and I won't give an accounting. You'll have to figure it out for yourself.

What's happening now? Immediately, I'm working on a blog for our garden and I'm about to quit my job at the Port and take a month off (see the right pane for a list of some things I want to work on during July!). We're starting the search for another dog. I still expect to hear Papa's voice answer the phone when I call Granny. It's the same thing as everyone else, life.

Stay tuned for more changes.

Couplet

2006-09-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

Outside this morning in the wet I saw
Leaves dipped in the gilded ink of autumn

Their tips glistening red orange gold
Stems still green, clinging to the warmth of yesterday

Burning wood mingled with smoky coffee
Shiny hay-like grass tinged with verdant moss

Crows flown into the cloud-draped landscape
The muffled sounds of the season arrive.

Accounting

2006-04-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Spring has arrived, and with it longer days and fewer posts. My weekends have been filled with plants, dirt, and the occasional dandelion, and I've been catching up on my reading too. The last couple of books have included Chang and Eng as well as The Great Pretenders (see the link to the right). Last weekend we made mortadella sausage and this weekend we had an unsuccessful attempt at a Hoegarden Belgian-style beer (ice baths + hot glass containers = 5 gallons of mess), but we'll try again until we're feasting on our own concoctions.

We're also about 6 weeks from a vacation - a much deserved one - and one that has seemed far away for a long time. We're spending 9 days in Hawaii, 6 on Kauai, 3 on Oahu and despite the rain and the sewage leaks and dam bursts, we're really looking forward to it. We have a little pink house on the sunny side of Kauai, right across the road from the beach. In Oahu we're blowing a little bit of change on a room in the Outrigger - but hell, it will be worth it.

For those interested, work is work is work just like it always has been, and nothing's new on that front save a few layoffs today and a few resignations. I don't expect anything to change for me, so I'll sit quietly and work hard and go on my happy vacation and that's about that. My parents are coming out for a visit next weekend - the same weekend Lucy Bland's playing on KEXP (woo-hoo!) - and they'll make a trip to Olympia to see the Mikado.

What, you came here today expecting some great thoughts? I've been gone for a few weeks and this is all I come back with?

Yes, for now.

And more about Dora

2006-03-23T09:42:00.000-08:00

A couple of days after Dora opened the box, after she threw up from the anxiety of knowing, she had a moment of clarity, of true sadness. For all that she had seen had given her perspective, one not so personal but more accurate. And she was humbled by the depth of feeling that she hadn't known before, and she vowed to respect that sadness and honor it with her heart.

Do the Math

2006-03-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

My grandmother was 40 when my mother had me. That's four years older than I am this year, and that means when my mother was the age I am now, I was almost 16. That's a lot to digest. I'll break it down.

By 40, my grandmother had lived in three countries (China, Cuba, Texas) in abject poverty and in ample comfort. She had three children, one of whom was in college and the other two on the way there. She and my grandfather were running a successful business, they owned a home, they were becoming US citizens.

By 40, my mother was visiting me at college, grieving the loss of her father, and still working 60 hour weeks for 30 hour pay, running a law office nonetheless.

I was a good kid, I had loving and happy parents - I had access, education, and opportunity that both sets of grandparents had provided. I had no shortage of affection, and while both my parents worked, I never felt they weren't there.

But I can hardly imagine having a 16-year old as the person I am today. Of course, I would have had 16 years to become that parent. But if I were to become a parent, what kind of parent would I be? Would I be the kind of mother that my mother was, that my grandmother was? Could I even be that kind of mother, having 16 more years of experience than they did when they first gave birth? Would that extra 16 years do me any good? Or would I be a neurotic, controlling grown-up with no business having kids, like many people I know?

In some ways I envy my mother and grandmother for having done it so early. They got to grow up - sometimes the hard way - with their daughters. When I went to prom, my mom was the age I am today. I remember shopping for the dress, the jewelry, the makeup. I remember my mother buying me my first razor (that was years before prom, but go along with me here...), my first bra, going with me to my first gyn visit. It was probably terrifying for her, but she never showed it. And our trials were nothing compared to those she and my grandmother went through. When my grandmother was pregnant with my mother, my grandfather left for Cuba, looking for a better life for all of them. My mother was 5 when he came back for them. All that time my grandmother had to find food for this tiny baby girl, sometimes giving my mother the meat from the fish while she sucked the bones. Anything to survive, anything not to starve.

Knowing that, do I have what it takes? I'd be a great girl scout leader - I can show you how to paint pottery, to make pipe cleaner crafts, to make peanut brittle. I'd probably be a pretty good older sister too, revealing the naughty little secrets every girl should know. Heck, I can even put together model cars, hit a baseball, and help with a science project. But could I be the kind of mom I'd want to be for my kids? I don't think you can ever know that before you do it - it's the kind of thing you look back on years later and say, 'yeah, I think I did okay there.' I think this weekend I'll call my mom and tell her what a great job I think she did.

But wait a second, what about my dad?

In many ways, I am the person I am because of my father. Where the women in my life gave me passion, energy, and the shape of my ass, the men showed me the quiet strength of reason. Of planning, of hard work, of patience. Lots of patience. That was the side that got me to 30. As I grow older myself, wondering about my future, I see my father more for his sense of humor, for his kindness and his gentle nature. He is strong and quiet, but never unfair.

And I know that if I'm to become the person I want to be, and maybe even the parent I think I can be, I won't be doing it alone. I don't have plan. Heck, I don't even have a clue. But I'm getting there.

Ignorance is Piss

2006-03-21T22:15:00.000-08:00

Oh, I mean bliss.

Pandora. She fucked it up for all of us. Now all we have is a reference and enough awareness of the story that we use it in business meetings all the time. Except instead of saying, 'better not do that, you'll open a Pandora's Box...' we say, 'that's not really a shitstorm you want to deal with is it?' Okay, close enough.

What do you imagine really happened? Do you think some sort of ghostly spirits of unanticipated stuff flew out of that box?

No, I think Pandora didn't see a thing, but I bet she felt it in her gut. That nauseating ick, the low-level fever that burned her heart, the guilt and dread seeping from her pores. Why? Why did she have to open that damn box? And why haven't we learned?

That Chance Encounter

2006-03-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night, a good one I think.
I finally said goodbye to someone who needed to go. It was that odd meeting that I hadn't expected, if only because I thought I was done. But the mind has a sense of humor, and try though I might, I can't forget.
So when the chance came, I said goodbye. I remembered him the way I saw him, but myself I saw as I am today. He looked puzzled. Angry. I turned and walked away.

Huh, wait...did that just happen?

2006-02-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

A few months ago on my way out of New York, my doctor said offhand, 'oh, you're 35. It's time for your baseline and I'm going to write you a script.' For the less fair sex reading this entry, that's a baseline mammogram. A pancake test. A true test that you've hit the age to start worrying. Just that casual comment threw me for a loop - for years I'd heard that women don't need a baseline until 40, but here I was getting written up that I needed to have one before my next birthday. For a moment it was sort of exciting - I got to go first, I get to tell the other younger women in my life what it's like, what to expect. But after that excitement faded, the subtext of what she'd ordered set in.

The script has been attached to my fridge for months, curling at the edges next to the Eat Me magnet from Crif Dog. My first mammogram. This is the gateway test, the one that starts it all. From here on out, it's colonoscopies, bone densities, and other miserable exams to prove you're not yet dying but you're on the way.

But when are all of the things that usually happen at this age going to start happening? I didn't freak out when I turned 30 - and given the circumstances I had every right to do so. That first (and as of now only) silver hair? I protected it feverishly, proud to finally have earned a stripe. But it fell out soon thereafter and I've not found another since. And what about the clock? The oh-my-god-please-don't-let-me-fall-victim-to-my-body alarm clock? That's my name for it, the phenomenon that takes perfectly rational women and suddenly makes them hormonal and unpredictable. This, to me, would be like Spock getting Bendii Syndrome (look it up in Wikipedia!) - after a lifetime devoted to study and reason, the ultimate curse is losing one's mind. I have never been able to comprehend how a woman could wake up one day and suddenly decide it was time.

And then I realized it's a slow process, losing one's mind. It doesn't happen overnight, it's not so easy to see. Somewhere along the way while you've been struggling against it, you realize the struggle is the change. And that all of the hallmarks are there, that somehow you've subconsciously made changes in your life that you think will make you happy, but they've been stepping stones on a path your body tricked you into taking. But as soon as you wrote that you think, 'but I don't really feel tricked, I am really happy.' And then you realize it's already happening. It may not be the same for everyone; god forbid I wake up thinking ineedababypleasenowihavetogetpregnant. But there's something, I know it's there.

So here I sit in my kitchen looking at the yellowing script. Mortality is a post-it on my fridge and the tone in my alarm that will never let me sleep again.

Tripping Over Myself

2006-02-20T09:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't really realize I can break my own fall. Problem is, I'm responsible for the pace at which I move, the clumsy footwork and the sometimes searing, sometimes blinded focus that gets me into trouble.

I said only last week that I was having trouble writing. My friend Geoff and I talked about this a bit - he's a comedian, and it turns out, has noticed this too. When everything's good, the well dries up. The bitter seems overly bitter, the ascerbic too sharp. He joked that the best comedians were addicts of some sort - alcohol, drugs, pain, whatever - and I'd have to argue the same for good writers. Not that I fall into that category, but I understand how it's difficult to get that clarity when your world is so blindingly happy. It's when life is interrupted that the words flow so effortlessly. When things come into sharp relief it's usually a sign that something's amiss, even if it's just a little off. Or that it's all hormonal and lunar. I'll give you that.

So it's time to brace myself. I can see the ground approaching only because I know I've gotten sloppy in my walk. I don't need to be in a hurry, sometimes I forget that that's not the goal. Yes, there is a goal, but that's not the point. I don't have some Britney-driving-towards-stardom hunger. Sometimes I need to just slow down. I'm sometimes startled by my own intensity, god know what this does to those around me. If it drives you as nuts as it drives me, I'm so thankful that you're still here.

Oregon Sunset

2006-02-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

It was beautiful and we had a wonderful time. We didn't want to come home. This was the view from our deck.

Getting Away

2006-02-08T21:55:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time, I'm taking a day off to play. This week brings the first real break I've had since returning to Seattle from New York, and it's much deserved and much needed. Not that things aren't what I'd hoped they'd be here - they're better than I could have ever imagined - but we all need time away from the everyday, even here. So starting Friday morning I'm getting away from it all. Away from the office and its politics, away from the budget and the relocation plans, away from the phone and the computer. We're packing the (new!) car Friday morning and driving to the Oregon coast for some storm watching, some good dinners with friends, and some quiet.

In some ways I have the tiniest bit of anxiety about this weekend, if only because I may be the lone person who doesn't know (and have a history with) the others. Am I worried about comparisons? No. Compatibility? Nah, not really. Privacy? Eh, perhaps a little, but it's a big empty beach and a big house and it's only 2 nights. So no. But it's there, like a squeak in the attic somewhere - faint but noticeable nonetheless.

So what are we going to do out there? Well, this time of year the coast is supposedly deserted - it's windy, chilly, and stormy - so we'll spend some time watching storms roll in, taking in long sunsets, and perhaps catch a glimpse of the Milky Way if we get a clear night. There's a fireplace and a hot tub and we're about 100 yards from the surf so I expect plenty of clam digging and shell collecting too.

And of course I've already got a cheesy weepy book picked out - Marley and Me, by John Grogan. It's about a guy and his unruly Laborador Retriever. Not like the one who ate the woman's face in France, but one that's as loveable as he is mischevious. And of course it's a memoir and it's about a dog, so of course the dog dies in the end...but not until after he's changed the guy forever. A classic easy read, described by my friends as a Barnes and Noble book: one you read only while lounging in the big armchairs while 'shopping' at B&N because you'd never actually buy a hard back for full price even though you're dying to read the book (and you can't wait for it in paperback).

But I digress. This weekend is about centering, cleaning house and settling down. So in good spirit, I'm off to bed for a good night's sleep before my workday Friday is here. And then I can leave it all behind.

Housecleaning

2006-02-05T22:04:00.000-08:00

This week I cleaned house, for real and in my head.

After a lot of activity the last few weeks, I took a little time to clean out the stuff running around in that empty skull of mine. I'd seen some behavior from friends I wasn't too happy about and it made me think about my own manners, language and baggage. Turns out I can be sort of a judgmental shit, always on my high horse because of the path I've tread. All of that crap has been good character building kind of stuff, but everyone's tired of hearing about my horrible ex-husband and his departure and my selfish and thoughtless ex-boyfriend and his crack whores. If I can't ever let go of the things that have shaped the person I am, I will be held hostage by them. Respect for them, okay. But more time spent than that is waste.

So this weekend I gave up about 15lbs of guilt. Actually, it started with a conversation about egg plates and ended with me throwing away about 2000 pictures from about a dozen years of my life.
I'd been hanging onto pictures - perhaps thinking someday someone would want them - long after the stories in them had expired. Even my wedding dress had seen the inside of the dumpster three years ago, but the evidence remained threaded throughout my stuff. Out it went, in some ways as much for Todd as for me - and these last vestiges of the person I was then went too. I came home lighter, the welcome more welcome the kisses more ardent. The last of the boxes pulled from the dank flooded basement gone through and placed anew in a safe, lighted home.

Blocked

2006-02-01T22:39:00.000-08:00

Finally, a day has come when my brain is so full, my body so tired, and everything is all jumbled up that I can't write. More soon.

Not Self Promotion...

2006-01-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

Folks, for those who can't get to Seattle to see my favorite local band - Lucy Bland - buy the EP or download from iTunes!

They played last night at Nectar after much airplay on KEXP (kexp.org), and they're scheduled to play at Chop Suey on 2/7.

What are they like? Great vocals, a Rhodes, a cello, beats and guitars - and the random accordion and trombone too. Think Zero 7, Iron and Wine, and the soundtrack to Garden State with a great warm swirly sound all around.

Their shows are listed on the Couch Calendar, but e-mail me if you have questions or want me to pick up an EP for you...

DeGama Would Be Proud

2006-01-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like an explorer. You know the kind, you read about them in middle school history class. Coming to the New World in big ships full of stuff, wearing too much armor, groping blindly at everything unfamiliar, trying desperately to map their journey knowing they might not ever go back. At once it's an arrogant exercise - to assume anything needs discovering, because there were plenty of people already here. But I have to imagine that for some at least, it was more than a booty call on behalf of her majesty. To look out over a land so different from the one you left that it changes the person you are - I can't believe that some didn't discover themselves in the process.

And now I stand on this ridge looking over all that is, knowing there's infinite possibility in every direction. I've tried to make this journey before, but I wasn't ready. This time I've shed the armor, left most of the baggage on the pier.

What do you do when you have no map at all?

Somehow quite unexpectedly I found my guide to this land, though he is as unfamiliar in this territory as am I.

How do you tell someone this? That you know enough that you're willing to take the risk in what you don't know? That it won't always be easy, but that you'd rather find out how hard things could be with this person than with any other? And once you know this, what happens next? Do you plot the path or do grope through the bush?

When you've supped at St. Augustine, what do you do next?

Know the direction you want to go, then go.

D'yever...

2006-01-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

Ever stop yourself and think, 'wow, am I really here?'

When something just clicks and you realize in that moment that things are undeniably different?

When you look back at your path and wonder how you made it from that last step to the one you're on now, teetering onto the next?

When you think about all your parents taught you, everything anyone tried to impress on you - and you realize that maybe, just maybe everything aligned in a perfect moment and now it's all so clear?

Pinch me. Hmm. Seems I'm already awake.

Take a moment...

2006-01-15T13:26:00.000-08:00

It's been raining for 27 days.

You'd think that's not such a big deal in Seattle, but it's actually a little unusual. Normally it's sort of drizzly and overcast, but it's been dark and cloudy for weeks now and the rain's come down hard. Pot holes have appeared, trees fallen over and venues sparse because folks are tired of going out drenched. Today was actually the first day I woke up and it wasn't raining - the sun's shining and the air is crisp. We got up and took the dog to the Magnuson park - off-leash heaven - and celebrated with all of the other cabin-fevered Seattlites by getting out in the mud. The dogs went nuts...mud everywhere with barking and frothing and humping from the biggest mastiff to the teacup chihuahuas. There was so much life in the park this morning, I almost cried at how happy the dog looked to be running at his own pace. And then there was this moment when I watched the dog walking alongside Todd - about 25 yards ahead - I watched them walk and play and the dog looked up at him, he looked back at me...and that was it. My dog, my shadow and my security standing with my guy, my hopes and my dreams. And I laughed at it all, the sweetness and the absurdity of such happiness.

But the sun comes out only briefly.

Just two days ago I was reading a friend's blog when I stumbled on writings about his father. His dad, a young 62 (just a few years older than my dad) was diagnosed with fronto temporal dementia (FTD) in May of 2004 - and is now no longer the person he once was. This is the first Christmas that he thought of it as being without his dad, because he sits in the room but is no more. He is like a shell of the person he once was, and if my friend listens closely he can almost hear the echoes of his voice in the hollow of his chest. His writing was powerful, the descriptions of his mother unforgettable. We talked about his dad for the first time the next day at work, and listening to him reflect on death gave me respect for the struggle his family faces daily. For all that medicine has given us, it rarely treats those most afflicted - the family.

In this state of mind I found myself at lunch with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in nearly 4 years. He too was facing similar struggles - his mother had a stroke 27 months ago and his father's dementia is like a prison sentence from which there is no release. He comes to work each day so he can afford to take care of them, but at about 6 hours he starts to worry that his father might have forgotten to feed his mother, or worse yet, that he's burned down the house. His only solace from this is Moon, the Golden Retriever his brother left him during a relocation to Hawaii - and I have no doubt that this fragile balance wouldn't be possible without that dog. None but he and the dog will escape, and even they too will succumb eventually. But for now he walks for the parents who cared for him as a child, the dog keeping watch on him.

Only two months ago I was wrapped up in living in New York, my sphere concerned with survival. It's been quiet these last weeks safe from the City, hearing things for the first time - the marvelous texture that has become my life, the privilege I have in the friends I keep, their experiences a borrowed perspective that shapes the person I will be.

Purgatory in the West

2006-01-12T08:36:00.000-08:00

Something happened the other day that reminded me just how different life's been since I moved back to Seattle.

I got angry.

Really angry, like lights flashing unpredictable angry. I haven't been like that since I left New York - and I don't care to revisit it anytime soon. But it was the same kind of angry I got in New York, like when that woman yelled at me for stealing her bags when I was actually running after her for having left them at an ATM. But this was a whole other level of low, and I'll tell you about it.

I was coming home from work, making a transfer on the bus at the Montlake freeway station. This is a busy intersection marked by an on-ramp to the highway, lots of University of Washington traffic and it was also rush hour and pouring rain. I walked up to the bus stop to see some people huddled under the bus shelter and one man standing far from it, near the curb where the buses stop (this is about 15' away). He was an elderly Japanese gentleman, probably in his 80s with a cane - and each time a bus came it stopped and opened its doors for him. He peered in but either couldn't see or couldn't tell if it was his bus - I'm assuming here, but he looked sort of disoriented. And he was soaking wet, wearing a baseball cap and a coat that was wet all the way through. He wasn't carrying an umbrella.

I walked over to him to ask if he needed help and he didn't seem to understand what I was asking, so I offered him my umbrella and helped him over to the shelter. What happened next was what made me so angry.
The crowd of people in the shelter sort of shuffled aside - staring at their feet and not making eye contact at all. A woman looked me dead in the eye and said exasperatingly, 'well, he was already wet! what did you expect, for me to give him *my* umbrella?!' I hadn't even said anything, I was just angry at nobody having made an effort. But when she said this, when she exposed how grossly insensitive and selfish she was, I lost it. My coldest tone burst forth, 'What the fuck is wrong with you?! He's like 80 and soaking wet and cold! What the fuck is wrong with you??!!' She braced herself and said it again: 'He was already wet!!'

Just for a moment, just a fraction of a second, I nearly reared back and hit her. I could taste the blood in my mouth and I could certainly hear the pounding in my head.

But I looked back at the old man and I knew it would have probably made him uncomfortable to see people fuss over him like that, so I clenched my jaw and walked away. When I got on the bus 5 minutes later he followed me on, returning my umbrella (I reluctantly took it) and sitting next to me. She followed on too, sitting nearby and mumbling the whole time, 'I don't know what she expected, was I supposed to give him my umbrella too? I mean, he was already wet for crying out loud.'

When I got home, I slammed the door and burst into tears. I had a good hard cry and then washed my face and went out to dinner with a friend.

I thought about it all later - what if I had assumed too much? What if the man didn't want to get on the bus? What if he didn't know where he was going? God, what if he was lost and was suffering from dementia? What if the woman's kid had just died or her husband had left or she'd run over her dog? And did the man get where he was going? Wasn't there anyone out there to look out for him?

Man, oh man

2006-01-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

As if I needed another reason to sing the joys of my favorite town of Seattle...

Home has taken on new meaning. I have met someone who makes me want to get up every morning, just to see the grin on his face. Unbelievable.

'No-ing' when

2006-01-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

I didn't always have a hard time with no. As a kid I was about as compliant as a kid gets - fastidious to a fault, never walking away from the chance to do homework, even working diligently as a child at my grandparents' restaurant. I never said no, and even more rarely was I ever told no - just because I was always so good at dotting the Is and crossing the Ts, it was hard to say no to me.

That didn't last. Or rather, let me say that didn't last into my 30s.

Today I have an excruciatingly hard time with no - even when it's not directed at me. Maybe that's because I spent 30 years saying yes - or saying nothing. There's got to be a clear reason, rational and thought-out, for no to be okay the first time through. You have to out-think me. In fact, anyone who's ever seen me work knows I work with two clear mantras: Unless you ask, the answer is no --and-- Silence is consent. Both are variations on the same thing - if you don't speak for yourself, you may not like what's coming to you, and in the spirit of self-determination, that's a shitty position to be in. (Ignore that dangling participle, won't you?) It goes along with my earlier post about being active in the choices of your life, that you have nothing to regret if you accept the choices that you made with clear conscience and in good faith.

But...no is a boundary I like to test. I don't relish pushing people in ways they can't go, but I like edging them in directions they won't go. I don't wake up every day thinking about pushing people - that would be arrogant and self righteous. But to be with me, to be my friend and to know me is to understand, in some ways, your own limits - and to work to expand them in whatever way you can. And this doesn't stop with you - I like to be pushed, I like running my hands over my armor until I find that weak underbelly, that soft spot - and then I dig in. Or I invite others to dig in. Is there a boundary there? Is there something undiscovered, a place even I don't know? And does discovering something new and fragile scare you more than it does me? Why?

I am not fearless, I know where my weakest armor is. I am a little afraid of my own reaction to protect those spaces, but I love and respect those people brave enough to go there and take me with them. It's never an easy path, but discovered it is a wonder to behold.

Taking on Water

2006-01-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about having new people in my life is how I'm suddenly exposed to everything that makes up their tastes. New music, new movies, new art, new perspectives unexamined in my own life. I think sometimes people get too comfortable in their own skin and don't take the chance often enough to bring unfamiliarity into their world.

Even though moving back to Seattle was supposed to be a return to the known, there have been so many changes in the last month that it's become a completely new experience for me. I'm also bringing my New York lens to life here, and everything's colored a little differently now.

I find iTunes filled with new music today - and it will take me days to filter the new from the old, to integrate the new sounds into my fabric. A particular favorite is Iron and Wine, a sound sparse, words simple yet rich. There's lots of bossa nova now, much Caetano Veloso, and countless low- and hi-fi bands. Some of note...CocoRosie, everything from Tropicalia Essentials, Deerhoof, and Domenico + 2.

Sometimes I feel like I can't keep up, like there's a fire hose of new things to remember, to understand and to enjoy. I'm constantly challenged and sometimes I feel my absorption rate is inadequate to the task. But at some point I'll catch up or I'll admit my weaknesses and someone will throw me a lifesaver.

Once, twice, third time's a charm??!!

2006-01-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have something happen over and over again? Either an activity you're forced to repeat for no apparent cause? Or a dream you keep having? Or a conversation with different people that covers the same topic each time?

First time's a fluke, you say. Or maybe the message is badly delivered and you get angry or defensive.

Second time's confusing - you thought you covered it the first time, fixed the problem, addressed it, changed behaviour - something. But you thought you'd learned something.

Third time? That's a pattern. Are you inflexible? Is there something happening around you that makes these things come up over and over? Is it you? Is it me? And how do you work on something you can't figure out? It might be so obvious to everyone else, but you just can't see it - for whatever reason? Do you give up? Do you accept it as fate, a character flaw, deja vu?

Out with the old...

2006-01-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

Last night after cassoulet and many glasses of wine, I stood on the street with new friends watching fireworks and reflecting on the past year. One New Year's Eve tradition I hadn't seen before was the burning of old, taking in of new. Well, that's what I'm going to call it, for lack of a better term. Everyone gathered strips of paper and wrote things on them that they wanted to rid themselves of - anything from a bad habit to a bad job - and then we burned them, quite ceremoniously, in a recycled whole roasted tomato can. Afterwards, we all raised our glasses and thought about a thing we each wanted to happen for the next year - and then we drank it in, whatever was in our glasses and in our hearts. This is a very different approach to the new year - for me it had always been a pot of black-eyed peas, which signified luck and prosperity for the next year. But that seems to leave good and bad to chance. What I liked about burning and taking in was the fact that whatever was mine to burn and mine to have were mine - and my responsibility to make them happen. Chance is always a player, but less so here. So today I make no black-eyed peas. I'll enjoy the now day-old cassoulet, watching Spike Jonze videos while washing my laundry, thinking about what I need to do for myself to make my frosty-night dreams come true.

That begs the question - how, if at all, do I reflect on the last year? Do I have any regrets? Any missed opportunities? Anything I would change? And what did I burn?

Anyone who knows me knows the answer to this already, but if you don't know it let me say it now. I am the product of every experience I've ever had - good and bad - and I am so very happy with where I am today I can't possibly regret anything I've seen or done. Had I not had the experiences I had, I might not have ever made it to the place I am, either physically or emotionally. Would I do things differently? Next time, perhaps. But would I change anything if I could? No, never. A decision not made or made too late is a decision nonetheless, so whenever I'm faced with choice I know I must participate, otherwise I lose the right to fight. Everything is a choice, life is a choice. Being in it (or being afraid of it) is a choice, and no matter how bad some of the choices have been, I always learn from them. That's my responsibility.

So what does 2006 have in store for me?

Everything. Just wait and see.

But I'm not going to tell you what I burned or what I took in. That's too easy.

To Go With the Cookies I Left For You...

2005-12-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

Remember writing Santa Letters? I think I stopped writing them when I was a kid - Santa was never an illusion to me, but it was a sweet tradition. In high school we could pay for column space in the paper to write Santa Letters. I think I had one of the longest in the paper that year, my crowning wish was that kiss from Bill Wilder, #51 on our high school football team.

I thought this was a good year to revisit the Santa Letter. There are things I wish for my friends and family that I never really have the chance to say, so Santa-in-blogland will bear witness (witless?) to this year's long list. I'll try not to get maudlin.

To el numero uno, my shadow and my conscience, my approver and sweet companion, I wish my little dog good skin, good health, and more QT with me. And I suppose I owe him cookies this year too. He turns 11 next week on New Year's Eve.
To Tanarra, the best friend and best bar fight backup I know, there isn't anything I could wish for you that you won't make happen yourself. I know this - we come from the same stock. But, if I can help bring some peace and tranquility to that world of yours, it would make me very happy - and I think you too.
Jessica will get her pilot's license and her Pilot's license to be ridiculously happy too. And Jay, you make a mess over there and I'll personally fly down there and stomp you. So be good to her, she deserves it. I'm watching.
Shana, the simplest gift would be a red latex corset. In lieu of that, my friend, may this coming year bring you the answers you seek and the clarity to recognize them. Take time, you have lots of it and lots of life. And Justin, I know you're reading this - I see a lot of myself in her at her age, and if I say so myself, she's going to get even better. Just watch.
Eric, thank you for everything this year. You helped me make Seattle home again and for that I cannot thank you enough. But man, we have to find you someone who loves that salt and pepper beard as much as she loves everything you cook for her. Because you are far too good a catch to walk alone.
Leslie, I hope John Galt walks up to your Virginia cabin and sweeps you off your feet. He'll have in tow a dog and the secrets of the universe. That's your clue. In the meantime, get the hell out of New York.
Bill in the Carolinas - you and I have gotten the best gift of all, space. Everything is clear. If you're half as happy as I am, I couldn't wish any better for you. Thank you for always being there for me. I hope to always be there for you too.
Bill and Tuesday, happy first Christmas you married people. May this be the first of a lifetime of bowling and green stuff.
Erin and Eric, the other marrieds - I hope this holiday brings you the complete happiness that I saw in both your eyes the day I witnessed your vows. Take care of each other. Erin, let him spoil you rotten.
Eric and Edith, my Nick and Nora in New York...toasts to you, and good toasts. I walked past the Zig Zag yesterday (Brian, the bartender from Pegu poured mixers from there) and shuddered. Come visit, I'll take you to the mythical pork sandwich in heaven.
Mike, know what you have. Set yourself a plan and get on it because I promise that first step is a doozy, but after that it's not so bad. Your kids will love you always. They may not understand for a while, but they will in time.
Robert, dude, I miss you. You are one of the funniest people I've ever met and I just want the very best for you so you can keep making other people laugh.
Shay, be good. This year has brought a lot of changes for you. Take time to understand them and grow from the things you've learned about yourself and about other people. You are amazing and beautiful. Don't ever give that away.
Winter, I'm so happy to have met you - and I see great things for you. You're just getting started - embrace everything, learn and become the person you're destined to be. And I hope next time I see you, you still don't recognize me. Means I'm changing too!
Lynn, your presence on the team brings balance - I'm always in awe of your composure and your self-effacing manner. Thank you for listening and always being true to who you are.
Cherish, the last years have been so hard, but you have come though with grace and style. There are few people I wish I could be more like, and I am so happy to have your friendship. Grendel loves you too.
Lowell, you are not forgotten. Your strength comes from a place I don't know - you too have walked the path of fire and seem to have come away singed but stronger for it. Like a good piece of iron.
Johnson, keep working on yourself. You have far to go. And tell your mother you love her, she deserves it.
Pedro, now that you're out of school it's time to start your education. Protect your heart, but open it to those who love you. And listen to yourself. You haven't gotten here without reason, so trust yourself.
Jeff, like T, I've never imagined you not getting what you set yourself out to get. Think big, you can get it.
Frank and Keith - stop going to SAP meetings. If the system utterly shuts down, then someone will have to step up and find a way to help the broken system. As long as you keep it on life support, it will never be allowed to fail or survive on its own.
Joe, Garden City. Time with your princess and her mom. Teach her to swing a bat properly. She'll be such a looker when she gets older. She'll have to use those bat swinging skills to keep guys away, and only bring home the ones to Papa that know how to handle her and the bat.

Everyone else, you know who you are. May this holiday season bring you the comfort you all so richly deserve. If it doesn't come visit me here. I'll show you the grass is in fact greener. :-)

And Mark, I am so proud of you my brother. I could get you stuff (I know you want an XBOX 360, but come on), but why should I when you seem to have everything that makes you happy? I just wish I could spend some time with you in your town, enjoying food like we used to eat when I was there, listening to music and driving around. Mom said you bought dinner for the whole family last night - wow. Bet they never expected that.

And last, but certainly not least, Todd.
I don't even know where to start. You have brought something into my life that was entirely unexpected, and I am speechless for it. There's so much I want to give you, I would cheese out everyone reading this if I started listing things out. So you'll have to settle for me, take who I am and what I bring into your heart and decide if this works for you. This is just the beginning, but I hope the beginning of something remarkable and true.

Remember in your hearts all of those who lost this year, lost so much.

Everyone, Merry Christmas. I love you all.

Facts in 20/20

2005-12-19T18:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. I get it.

So I speak the language of dead white guys. Who can fault me when I say that an amazing night is ended with the sound of the lark, rather than the cold clank of the radiator and the snoring of the dog? Thanks, all you Romeo and Juliet fans who caught the reference (none of you! shame!).

The 'he' in my last few posts has a name. So yes, I'm talking reality language here.
He is funny, sweet, warm, thoughtful, smart, earthy, and has a smile that lights me up.
He makes me feel so special, so adored, so natural.
Oh yeah, and he has the approval of my dog. Not just a 'yeah, you're okay,' but a 'hey, hey, looky who's here I'm gonna run to you and wag my rear end and not hump you or bother you when you're talking!' approval.

There are a thousand million things I want to do with him.
And I want everybody to know, everybody. Cuz man, oh man.

Speechless. Really.

2005-12-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

I woke this morning and the moon was setting huge behind the fog. The lark sang too soon, and I craved more songs of the nightingale, more time. Every time I close my eyes his smile comes to me, his laugh rings in the echoes. My guardian and charge approved with wagging agreement, and he took my heart and made it his.

And so it is...just like you said it would be.

2005-12-12T18:37:00.000-08:00

Life goes easy on me, most of the time.
- Damien Rice, The Blower's Daughter

Something happened. I'm trying desperately not to write about it because I'm absolutely terrified that if I do it will stop happening or I'll wake up or...I don't know. That somehow it will slip away, just disappear.

But then again, I want so badly to explain the smile, the sleepless nights, the why, why, why. Why you'll see me this week looking somehow different. Maybe it's the hair. Maybe the grin. Don't know. Maybe you won't notice at all.

Maybe you'll think it's because I moved. Or because the dog is healthy, or because the job is challenging and pays well and because it's beautiful here. Yes, it's all of those things.

Perhaps I'm afraid to say it aloud because I'll sound like a 16 year-old. Or because for all that I like to say that I don't care what others think (and I really don't), I'd hate to think that people think I'm flighty. Or easily swayed. I've always been the rock, the unwavering and steady, the reliable. The disaffected. Or maybe it's what I'd like everyone to think. That I don't need anyone, that I'm some sort of self-sustaining force of nature.

But someone cracked the code. It was a very simple code, I advertised it to anyone who would hear me, who'd listen. But few took me seriously, maybe most thought I wasn't really capable, willing, or soft. Or maybe it only mattered to others like me.

I don't know what to do here, it's been so very long since I've been here in this spot. I can't apply logic to this, or a timeline or anything of reason. And in matters like this, I don't have a very strong track record.

But I will try. Again. And again. Until there's no more air in my lungs, until the last shuffle in my chest. There is a fear and restless joy at being here, and not being here alone.

I will pour my soul into the cup for him to drink; he knows not what is possible.

Notes from the Jar O' Wisdom

2005-12-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

[Note from the editor: The spelling and grammar and sentence construction you see are those of the authors. And many of them were intoxicated when they wrote these. I am taking no responsibility for how insulting and rude these are...deal with it. These folks are your friends too. And by the way – for those who wrote in our book – you folks need to learn how to construct a story! I can’t put that stuff in here – Tanarra the toothless stripper and my jaunt across America with Lenny Kravitz. Man, no more alcohol for you fools!]

I am beginning to understand that the 'purpose' involved in this trip is not what is gained in the actual traveling. This part is fun in the experience and adventure it provides. But the real 'meaning' of the trip does not begin until it is over. It is then that all the experience transforms into memory, and then the memory is reflected against and contrasted with past memories to form 'perspective.' With this perspective we now see our lives through new eyes, and things seem fresh again. We are focused and clear of mind. - Brian Overcast, June 2, 2000

Quotes from Brian and Shawn Overcast's road trip journal:
What animal has the largest eyes?
- Giant squid
(trivia from a guy at a bar in Albuquerque)
Go soothingly on the greasy mud, for therein lurks the skid demon.
- Chinese road sign
Everything in life is someplace else, and you get there in a car.
- E. B. White
Sometimes the miles just disappear but sometimes you have to drive every single one of them.
- Graham Coster
What a long, strange trip it’s been.
- Grateful Dead

Make sure you always have 1/4 of a tank of gas especially when there might be traffic and you could run out.

Eat salmon.

Get a radar detector because Tanarra is a speed demon!

If you have to drive +500 miles per day, don’t do it drunk. If the conversation stops for 40 seconds after 12:00 midnight on the road, STOP...

STUPID: Play different characters at each dinner stop. Not allowed to do one sentence in your ‘own voice.’ Play each other at the 1/2 way dinner stop.

Good luck! - from Ive (attached to a chocolate turkey)

Sharepoint can do it, you just have to make it do it... - Brian Vaughan, IT Server Engineer

Visit the San Juans.

When life gets tough...MASTERBATE! Nothing like a good old fashion orgasim [sic] to clear your mind. - Sherryon :)

Your true friends know you better, in the first moments that you meet, than your acquaintances will in a lifetime. [ed: I think I know the author of this one...]

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. [ed: I think this is John Lennon’s line...]

DENZIL [ed: he leaves his phone number and e-mail address]

If you get the chance, live on a boat.

Tell a secret to the Northern Star. [ed: I did, while driving through South Dakota.]

Do you think he was really gay? [ed: I have no idea about whom this note was written...]

[there’s an incredibly sexy mathematical proof in here...I can’t transcribe it because I don’t have the right keys...]

Go slow, take it all in, immerse yourself. It’s your life to live...

Easy on the teeth. Ouch. [ed: same handwriting as ‘Do you think he was really gay.’ Hmm.]

A man whose watch falls in the toilet will have shitty time.

You told me...Remember that sometimes you need to finish/close projects. I’m reminding you your same words.

Never trust a girl who doesn’t eat meat. Ever.

Se habla espanol. Amor de lejos, es amor de pendejos.

Cut Shana off after 2 drinks next time! Please! Thanks, Shana :) [ed: NOTED!!]

Sing a favorite song at the top of your lungs. [ed: I know I know who wrote this!]

Jenny, don’t forget your ‘b----- b----- d------!’ Love, Danny [ed: how could I?]

Words of an optimist: I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way!

Watch a French New Wave film from the ‘50s. [ed: Leslie, you are the only spiritual one on here...]

When in doubt...use teeth.

Only look up at the rain with goggles on.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. When you get a nasty one spit that motherfucker out and try another. -Winter/Forrest Gump

Don’t eat yellow snow. [ed: man, I’m so glad I have you guys as friends!]

Make sure you eat lunch and a snack to avoide low sugar crankiness. [ed: thanks, Mom]

Never trust a Mormon. Ever.

Pirates and Sir Mixalot: All about the booty.

French fries and a hamburger can make almost any situation a little better.

‘The best way to predict the future is to create it.’ - Stephen Covey You are creating your future & I couldn’t be happier for you. - Love, Erin

Don’t stand next to a man peeing when the wind is blowing in your direction. [ed: unless you’re into that sort of thing]

NEVER APOLOGIZE for being true to yourself (your feelings, desires...) :)

LUBE! Lots of LUBE!

Do you know what the queers are doing to the ozone?

There are four major moments in your relationship to NYC:
When you first see it
When you move there
When you move away
When you return as a jaded visitor
‘been there, done that, know which train’

Never pay a tranny.

With shoes, and people you’re attracted to for that matter, if you say no and then can’t stop thinking about it for three days, just go for it.

Remember...just because I understand doesn’t mean I care!

Always put your money on the black donkey.

Don’t take the path most traveled. Find your own way and leave a trail. [ed: I corrected the grammar on this one because it was such a nice sentiment!]

On Journaling...

2005-12-07T23:08:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out some boxes from my once-flooded storage unit here in Seattle when I came across a notebook that had served time as a journal. I've probably got 20 of these laying around, and each time they come up I spend some time reading and trying to piece together what was happening. Let's just say I'm a prolific writer. I'm also a sack of crap romantic - I can't get a line straight in my head without adding the dime words and the gothic-era emotions.

Anyway, this particular journal covered a year in the life...from falling for someone to rebounding with someone else to getting ready to leave for New York. It was a hard journal to read - but not as hard as those I found from 10 years ago that clearly showed the early signs of a marriage that wasn't working (that lasted another 5 years). But I picked it up again and started writing - the voice is older, a little more acerbic - but no less romantic. Guess some things never change.

Boys on Crack

2005-12-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

Something else has been on my mind lately: I do wonder if there's not an epidemic sweeping the nation - this illness of being 'emotionally unavailable.' I can't tell you how many men I've met (sorry guys - prove me wrong when I say this) who describe themselves as emotionally fragile, unavailable, damaged, and otherwise not a good catch. Of course, it could be me - I tend to bring that sort of quality out in men (come on, boys - grow a pair!) - but I've seen so much of it lately I'm thinking about permanently spiking all of the water in my house with rye whiskey or something to put hair on the chest of the men who stop by. I can't decide which is worse - the phrase 'let's be friends' or 'I'm emotionally unavailable.' Maybe that's just an updated version of the same thing.

But, as if I needed a reminder as to why my last comment's really not such a big deal: yesterday I saw my first air-lightsaber battle in the hallway at the office, complete with sounds and dialog ("Luke, I AM your father!").

It's Been a Week Already?

2005-12-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Seems like I just arrived.

I'm still running into tons of folks - at this rate I will have seen all of my friends here without effort.
- Bill and Tuesday, the couple for whom Tanarra and I built a wedding cake in May. I'll be spending Christmas with the newlyweds. Ran into them while eating dinner nearby.
- Steve Schmitt, the guitarist and self-anointed brain surgeon of the Diminished Men, Tyler's former band. Saw him while shopping for olive oil. Check out their stuff: http://www.diminishedmen.com!
- Erica Brewer, the newly-minted fiancee of Peter Johansen - a childhood friend of Tyler's. She's a classy violinist in the area and has plenty of upcoming shows: http://www.thebellatrio.com/erica. She was on her way to the grocery store, I was out for a walk.

I did make an effort to spend Friday evening in the company of some great bakers, Bennie and Emma, without whom I would be in a lonely island of sugar and butter. We ate lots of tasty food at the Black Bottle and caught up on the last year.

Work is...just work. There's something strange about working in a team that is made up entirely of contractors. None of us has enough information to be dangerous - so there's little incentive to take a project and run with it. I'm working on a project that has well over a hundred other people working on it - and at the end of the day all I am is a little cog. Where that would have driven me crazy in the past, I'm quite happy to surrender the reigns on this one. It doesn't mean I won't do my best, but it does mean that in the end there's a very clear line of ownership and I simply don't count in the grand scheme of it. So when someone tells me it's time to go home, I go. I don't sweat it, there's plenty of work tomorrow. That is different.

Another notable change is the makeup of the office. I walked in and it was instantly noticeable. I walked down the hall and heads came out of the office, whispering, 'a girl, did you see that? another girl!' I mean, it wasn't quite that silly, but there's a meat market quality to working in this industry, especially when the ratio is still 8:1. Gotta start flexing those eyelash batting muscles!

It's a Small World After All

2005-11-29T21:16:00.000-08:00

Yes indeed, folks - Seattle is small.

So small that I've only been here a few days and it's like I never left. Well, except the whole 'older and wiser' attitude and funnier stories about New York. But here are some examples of what I mean...

- The anonymous guy who runs the barber shop around the corner waved and asked if I was back.
- The woman who runs 'Fini,' the coolest accessories shop in the world saw me 3 weeks ago and asked if I was back and if I brought my dog too.
- The two brothers at the pho place I used to go to in Redmond cheered when I walked in the door today and asked if I'd done something to my hair because it looked different.
- While at the grocery store in the fruits and vegetables section, a woman came up and offered me a sample of a cookie. She was an old friend who used to live in my apartment building from 5 years ago - and when the new gourmet grocery store opened near her place, she and her husband went to work there. It just happened to be the first grocery store I walked into.
- While walking Grendel I ran into the woman who used to cut my hair (and lived upstairs from me).
- Standing on the corner talking on the phone, I saw the subject of the 'How It All Went Down' post. Not sure if he recognized me, but I certainly saw him.

I only bring these up because I'm tickled by it - by being a part of the neighborhood, of the community - and even after having been gone for two years, it seems I'm still a part.

Day 5: Bozeman to Seattle

2005-11-28T07:56:00.000-08:00

Writing this today seems almost anti-climactic.

After having already driven 2300 miles by the time we got to Bozeman (and then hit snow), the last 800 miles looked daunting. Besides, we had stopped two towns earlier than we had planned to on day 4, so day 5 was supposed to be extra long and possibly a little trecherous still. After jumping on I90 in Bozeman, I drove for about 15 minutes and the snow literally disappeared. We cranked the speedometer up to nearly 90 where we stayed for another hour. Butte was more snow, but it was like Bozeman - 15 minutes before town and 15 minutes after town, so it was a short delay. We pushed on and before we knew it, we were in Coeur d'Alene, ID - and then Spokane. Crossing the border into Washington was exciting, but I knew we had about 270 miles to go, we were losing sunlight and we had one more mountain pass with a traffic-delaying rockslide waiting for us. Even though we'd left early, we'd still hit it at dark and I didn't know if there was snow in the pass.

When we passed the Gorge (for those of you not familiar with Washington, it's the natural ampitheater where bands like U2 still play) and started climbing into the Cascades, dusk had settled in. We were on the dark side (I couldn't resist, sorry) and traffic was picking up, but it wasn't as bad as we'd been led to believe. Then, without much warning, we saw signs that the slide was imminent. Cars started shifting to the right, speed limit 35 signs were posted and we saw the mountain lit up. But the delay was nowhere to be found and we kept moving. Five minutes later we cruised over a snowless Snoqualmie Pass and over the top of the Cascades and saw the city lights in the distance. Home.

So this morning Tanarra and I are sitting with laptops in tow at Victrola, my little coffee joint downstairs from my new/old place. The lattes are strong, Joy Division is playing, and we're the least tattooed in the room. It's 40 and sunny outside and we've shed the coats and gloves, opting for the native fleece look.

Day 5's playlist was short - but I'm including what I can remember here. It was a quiet morning without music as I got through the ice and snow - but when we listened to it, we played:

Dinah Washington
Etta James
Ella Fitzgerald
Herbie Hancock
Harry Connick, Jr.
Al Green
Dean Martin (and some other ultra lounge stuff)

Sunday kind of music.

Day 4: Rapid City to Bozeman

2005-11-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

We left Rapid City shortly after sunrise - and had an hour before the turnoff to Devil's Tower in Wyoming (outside of Sundance). The roads were empty and the weather perfect - it hovered around 40 the whole way and I was pushing 85 mph on some stretches. At 8:55 we turned toward the tower and found it about 30 minutes later - what a magnificent view. Thanks to the Wyoming Fish and Game chick, Heather O'Brien, who jumped out of her warm car and offered to snap photos of us in front of it. I'll have them posted in a couple of days.

From there we cruised easily to Sheridan, WY - past Big Horn and Massacre Hill, past the scenic entrance to Yellowstone. We switched off and got gas, Tanarra taking us into Montana. We had been warned that the weather had shifted and to expect snow all day today, but it was noon when we hit Sheridan and we hadn't hit a lick of it. About 90 minutes later we had driven through Billings and while we had seen some flurries and gotten some rain, this mystery snow was nowhere to be found. We kept moving on, hoping to hit Butte or Missoula a few hours later. Then we came around a bend about 20 miles from Bozeman and -SMACK- there is was. All of a sudden the roads were covered with thick ice and we passed two nasty accidents within 100 yards of each other. The mountain walls rose beside us and it got really easy to see where all of the snow was - right where we were driving. After another hour of pure driving hell (to Tanarra's credit, she sang the whole time and kept us on the road), we abandoned the project and pulled into Bozeman. It was only 3:30pm, but we knew we weren't going to make it much further and sunset was only an hour away - so we called it quits. There's easily a foot of snow outside, and it's still falling. I think in some areas it's over 18".

What's there in Bozeman? It's a lovely little place, actually - I stayed here the first time we drove to New York. It's full of trees (and snow, tonight) and lots of sky and stars. We're not far from the north entrance to Yellowstone and I'd imagine the fly fishing and hiking here is fantastic. It's a quiet place, sort of isolated - but we got a good meal of BBQ and some clean clothes from the (gasp!) WalMart across the street, so I have no complaints. We've already checked the weather for tomorrow and it's supposed to be clear all the way to Snoqualmie Pass. The boulders appear to have been removed from the roadway so the wait in the pass shouldn't be long, but we still have a good 12 hours in front of us, at least. Tomorrow, Seattle or bust!

Day 4 Playlist – 11/26/05 (Rapid City to Bozeman)

2005-11-26T20:22:00.000-08:00

Day 4 Playlist – 11/26/05 (Rapid City to Bozeman)

Charles Lloyd - Georgia
Chuck Prophet - Just to See You Smile
Nina Simone - I Want a Little Sugar in my Bowl
Randy Newman - Jolly Coppers on Parade
Vic Chesnutt - Band Camp
Time - Tom Waits
Express Rising - Neighborhood
Slumber Party - New Trouble
Clem Snide - The Ballad of Unzer Charlie
Electrelane - Enter Laughing
Mulatu Astatqe - My Own Memory
Johnny Hartman - I See Your Face Before Me
Nick Drake - Northern Sky
Ulrich Schnauss - A Letter From Home
Mountain Goats - Old College Try
Evan Lurie - The Orderly Retreat
Greg Brown - Oh You
Pete Krebs & the Gossamer Wings - Patiently
Mojave 3 - Always Right
Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien
Tindersticks - Can Our Love
My Bloody Valentine - Only Shallow

Day 3: La Crosse to Rapid City

2005-11-25T18:11:00.001-08:00

Sunrise was beautiful in La Crosse. And then somewhere after we crossed the Mississippi into Minnesota it turned into garbage – snow drifts blanketing the interstate, salt trucks blowing shit all over the place, and pure white-knuckle driving. It wasn’t as bad as Ohio – at least this was dry – but it was early and there was a lot of dry snow on the ground so it had its moments. When I found myself behind a big truck being passed by another big truck, that was the worst. Probably 2 minutes of complete blindness as the snow blew all around the car from two sides. I couldn’t even see the stripe on the road.

Finally, we hit South Dakota and everything changed. The temperature steadily climbed and the sky cleared, revealing a giant blue sky. I had been here once before – driving I90 from Seattle to New York – but this time we were ahead of schedule and had time to really enjoy the scenery. It’s amazing the expanse of land here, and even more amazing the amount of history that happened in this state and in Wyoming, our next state. I drove for nearly an hour with no other cars in sight going my direction and it made me think about how incredible it was that people were even able to interact here at all, with so much space between people. I could see miles to the horizon, some jagged outcroppings in the direction of the Bad Lands, but very few farms and even fewer people. Only one guy was of note – he was the passenger in a fast moving truck on a dirt road running alongside the interstate. It slammed on its brakes as we passed and he jumped out, pointing a shotgun at the pheasant that was flying towards our car. I don’t know if he fired – we were just staring in disbelief as we passed.

Our last stop before Rapid City was in the tiny town of Wall, SD. If you’ve ever been within 300 miles of this town, you know it. Signs come every ½ mile for almost 200 miles – advertising 5 cent coffee, free iced water and all manner of tourist junk – for Wall Drug. It’s a small pharmacy that has turned into some sort of ghost-town mega schmaltz mall, complete with fresh fudge, turquoise jewelry and lots of beautiful boots. I had grown up seeing yellow and black Wall Drug bumper stickers all over Austin – but I never knew what it was. The first time I drove through it was during the bike rally in Sturgis and it was so busy I couldn’t get in. This time, it was the day after Thanksgiving and we had the town to ourselves. So I got myself a bumper sticker too.

After our short stop in Wall, we landed in Rapid City an hour later – driving on fumes. Rapid City is where Eve Marie Saint and James Mason were to fly from in the movie ‘North By Northwest’ – and it’s just east of Sturgis, the location of one of the biggest HOG bike rallies in the country. It’s an odd little place – on the foothills of the Black Hills, near Crazy Horse and Mount Rushmore – and filled with tattooed and pierced youth and cars like those in the ‘Fast and the Furious’ (lots of ground effects). This is where we’ll stay the night. Tomorrow we’re headed through the corner of Wyoming (can you say Devil’s Tower???!!!) and into a snowy Montana.

Day 3 Playlist (11/25/05) La Crosse to Rapid City

2005-11-25T18:11:00.000-08:00

Day 3 Playlist (11/25/05) La Crosse to Rapid City

Pet Shop Boys – What Have I Done to Deserve This
Pet Shop Boys – Shopping
Pere Ubu – 30 Seconds Over Tokyo
Pere Ubu – Final Solution
Peter Murphy – Deep Ocean Vast Sea
Peter Murphy – Shy
Peter Murphy – Cuts You Up
Peter Murphy – The Sweetest Drop
Pearl Jam – Jeremy
Nirvana – Heart Shaped Box
Nirvana – The Man Who Sold the World
Nick Drake – Pink Moon
Nick Drake – Northern Sky
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Red Right Hand
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Into My Arms
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Lime Tree Arbor
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – People Just Ain’t No Good
Nathaniel Merriweather – Ladies Love Chest Rockwell
Nancy Sinatra – Bang Bang
Motorhead – Ace of Spades
Ministry – Stigmata
Lou Reed – Satellite of Love
Leonard Cohen – Joan of Arc
Loretta Lynn – Coal Miner’s Daughter
Led Zepplin – Kashmir
Kinks – Lola
Judas Priest – Breaking the Law
Johnny Cash – I Won’t Back Down
Johnny Cash – Solitary Man
Johnny Cash – That Lucky Old Sun (Just Rolls Around Heaven All Day)
Johnny Cash – One
Johnny Cash – Nobody
Jeff Buckley – Mojo Pin
Jeff Buckley – Grace
Jeff Buckley – Last Goodbye
Jeff Buckley – Lilac Wine
Jeff Buckley – So Real
Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah
Jeff Buckley – Lover, You Should Have Come Over
Jacques Brel – Ne Me Quitte Pas
Jack Johnson – Cocoon
Human League – Don’t You Want Me
Herbie Hancock – One Finger Snap
Herbie Hancock – Cantaloupe Island
Guns N’ Roses – Welcome to the Jungle
Guns N’ Roses – Paradise City

Day 2: Chicago to La Crosse

2005-11-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

Thursday, Thanksgiving Day was a short drive – we started a lazy morning in Chicago with T’s parents and giant starch lunch – mac and cheese, broccoli casserole and mashed potatoes, with turkey and a spoon of cranberry relish on the side. We hit the road and hit that typical Chicago traffic all the way past O’Hare – and hit four or five toll booths before we left the state. At least we were able to grab that grande eggnog latte from the oasis of the roads before leaving the state for good.

We stopped earlier than we’d expected – but had built in time in the schedule for this sort of adjustment, so instead of going the extra 5 hours to Sioux Falls, we stayed in La Crosse, Wisconsin. Leftover Thanksgiving dinner was still warm from being planted next to the car’s heater, and we watched the end of a movie on Lifetime (TV for Women!) and the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind before crashing for the night.

Grendel’s been panting since we left New York – and the dry hot air in the car hasn’t done much for his already crusty nose. Benadryl hasn’t done much for helping him sleep in the car (or at night), and he’s only responding to human food, turning his craggy little snout up to his gourmet fish and sweet potato dog food. Tonight we’re aiming for a McDonald’s or somewhere I can get French fries – that might encourage him to eat a meal. Of course, it’s only about 15 degrees outside so it’s not like any of us want to go out for a walk.

If Wednesday was full of goth and 80s, today seemed more full of traditional rock. And because we were in Chicago, we spent much of the time in traffic listening to Jack FM (We Play What We Want!). The playlist below is from my iPod, I didn’t track Jack’s stuff.

Day 2 Playlist – 11/24/05 (Chicago to La Crosse)

2005-11-25T18:08:00.000-08:00

Day 2 Playlist – 11/24/05 (Chicago to La Crosse)

Who – Baba O’ Riley
Who – Won’t Get Fooled Again
U2 – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
U2 – With or Without You
T. Rex – Get It On
T. Rex – 20th Century Boy
Stevie Wonder – You Are the Sunshine of My Life
Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun
Soft Cell – Tainted Love
Smiths – Oscillate Wildly
Smiths – Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want
Smiths – This Night Has Opened My Eyes
Smashing Pumpkins – Eye
Smashing Pumpkins – Zero
Smashing Pumpkins – 1979
Smashing Pumpkins – Cherub Rock
REO Speedwagon – Take It On the Run
Ramones – I Want You Around
Radiohead – Karma Police
Radiohead – Subterranean Homesick Alien
Queen & David Bowie – Under Pressure
Psychedelic Furs – Pretty in Pink
Peter Gabriel – In Your Eyes

Day 1: Brooklyn to Chicago

2005-11-24T07:46:00.000-08:00

I just realized I lost a day somewhere in the last couple. It seemed like yesterday that I was sitting at my desk working on a Sharepoint administrator’s contact list, scribbling down last-minute support notes and reminders to everyone where things could be found. But that was two days ago…

When I got home Tuesday night, I hopped in a hot bath and took a nap – that was the plan. At 10pm I woke up, loaded the car (more like crammed, stuffed and jimmied things into the car), and at 3am Wednesday morning, Tanarra and I set off. My shift was the first and I was able to go only about 90 minutes and she took over somewhere in New Jersey. I don’t even remember driving it and I remember even less falling asleep. But at 7am I woke up as we pulled into our first real break of the day, one of those travel centers in Pennsylvania with a 24 hour Starbucks. Joy, at last.

With a venti peppermint mocha warming my hands (that’s my signal the holidays have arrived, when I have my first theme drink from Starbuck’s), I took over. Sun was creeping onto the hills and as cheesy as it sounds, I was listening to Echo and the Bunnymen’s “Killing Moon.’ I saw frost on the buggies as we sped through the countryside – the road was clear and the sun warm, even though the temperature gauge read 18 degrees. It was noon when I surrendered my post near the western edge of PA, and Tanarra took over into the tip of West Virginia, Ohio and Indiana. While she drove, I shuffled and dealt Gypsy Tarot cards, courtesy of Leslie.

Ohio turned out to be the hardest part of the drive – windy snow and wet roads with a temperature around 30 degrees – and traffic was starting to get thick. It only lasted about 45 minutes, though – and we were off again towards Dayton and Indianapolis. The sun was setting about an hour outside of Indy, where I had taken over. At that point we had gone 14 hours in the car and had listened to everything from cheesy goth music (see aforementioned Echo and the Bunnymen) to hair bands (there’s nothing like a good rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody on the road) to classic Elvis. If you’re interested, my playlist is on a separate post (see Day 1 Playlist (11/23/05) Brooklyn to Chicago).

We hit Chicago at 6pm (adjusted, so 7pm EST) and landed at her parents’ home by 6:45. After settling the dog and grabbing a much needed hot meal of pork chops, potatoes and peas and carrots, I hit the sack.

So it’s Thanksgiving Day in Chicago, probably 30 degrees outside and crisp and as beautiful a fall day as I could have ordered up. We will hit the road again in a few hours, drunk with turkey and mac and cheese, headed to South Dakota for the night.

Day 1 Playlist (11/23/05) Brooklyn to Chicago

2005-11-24T07:44:00.000-08:00

Day 1 Playlist (11/23/05) Brooklyn to Chicago

Echo and the Bunnymen – Killing Moon
Joy Division – Love Will Tear Us Apart
The Church – Under the Milky Way
INXS – Never Tear Us Apart
Stone Temple Pilots – Plush
Caetano Veloso – Zera A Reza
Sigur Ros – Intro
Sigur Ros – Svefn-g-Englar
New Order – Regret
Foo Fighters – Best of You
Audioslave – Like a Stone
Coldplay – Warning Sign
Duncan Sheik – Barely Breathing
Coldplay – Shiver
MC 900ft Jesus – The City Sleeps
Nine Inch Nails – The Perfect Drug
Marilyn Manson – I Put a Spell On You
Chemical Brothers – Loops of Fury
Foo Fighters – Everlong
Cake – The Distance
Tricky – Christiansands
??? – Battle Without Honor (this is a song from Kill Bill vol. 1)
Tricky – Bad Dreams
U2 – Stay (Faraway So Close)
Zero 7 – In the Waiting Line
Coldplay – High Speed
ABBA – Dancing Queen
ABBA – Take a Chance on Me
ABBA – Mamma Mia
Depeche Mode – Never Let Me Down
Depeche Mode – Strangelove
Elvis – Lawdy, Miss Clawdy
Elvis – Shake, Rattle and Roll
Elvis – I Want You, I Need You, I Love You
Elvis – Hound Dog
Elvis – Don’t Be Cruel
Elvis – Any Way You Want
Elvis – We’re Gonna Move
Elvis – Love Me Tender
Elvis – Poor Boy
INXS – The One Thing
INXS – Original Sin
INXS – What You Need
INXS – Listen like Thieves
INXS – Shine Like It Does
INXS – Need You Tonight
INXS – Devil Inside
INXS – New Sensation
INXS – Suicide Blonde
INXS – Disappear
INXS – The Stairs
INXS – Heaven Sent
INXS – Beautiful Girl
INXS – The Strangest Part
INXS – Deliver Me
Portishead – Mysterions
Portishead – Sour Times
Portishead – Strangers
Portishead – It Could Be Sweet
Portishead – Wandering Star
Portishead – It’s a Fire
Portishead – Numb
Portishead – Roads
Portishead – Pedestal
Portishead - Biscuit
Portishead – Glory Box
Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen – Another One Bites the Dust
Police – Synchronicity 1
Police – Walking in Your Footsteps
Police – O My God
Police – Mother
Police – Miss Gredenko
Police – Synchronicity 2
Police – Every Breath You Take
Police – King of Pain
Police – Wrapped Around Your Finger

5...4...3...2...1...

2005-11-21T22:48:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow night, after two long years in New York, I'm going home to Seattle. This is an odd move for me, in a way. It's my sixth cross-country in ten years, perhaps my 30th apartment move in the same period of time. But this time I'm moving back to the apartment building I left, back to work at the company I left - in many ways picking up after taking a three year break. But the time here was good and I leave with no regrets.

I spent the last two weeks in New York enjoying the best of what it had to offer:
- My first (and perhaps last) show at CBGB, Ex-Habit
- Slices from Di Fara
- A bonfire in my backyard, complete with s'mores
- A double shack burger from the Shake Shack in Madison Sq. Park
- Incredible and frighteningly pricey cocktails from Pegu Club
- Milles crepes, a specialty dessert from Lady M Confectionery
- A dinner party in the building from 'The Jeffersons'
- A luxurious nap on Annie's table at Cornerstone Healing
- 'Pride and Prejudice' shown in the BAM Rose Theater
- Dessert at my very favorite place: ChikaLicious

Over the next five days, Tanarra (my pal and roommate), Grendel and I will cruise west. First stop, Chicago.

Huh? But it's just November

2005-11-14T00:57:00.000-08:00

What's that you say? It can't be. No, I thought she said the spring!

Actually, it's true. Whatever the little birdie or the butthole pixie told you is in fact the truth. I'm returning to Seattle. And soon, I might add - I will be back before December, although barely. And yes, for all of you naysayers - to stay.

How'd this come about?
Lots of things contributed to it, but many of you read my Manhattan Project e-mail from late summer and knew it was coming. I was just ready to come home, and when the right offer came along I took it.

What about JetBlue? What about your friends in NY? What about all of that?
I love JetBlue. This is a fantastic company, I wholly believe in the product, and I hope to support it for as long as I can. I'm even offering to work on projects for them on the side. But this isn't about work and it's not about friends. It's about me being happy where I am living, and frankly New York just wasn't doing it for me. I've spent a lot of time elsewhere in the last few months - on a kayak in Florida, hiking on property outside of (gasp!) Waco (actually, double-gasp - it was outside of Crawford), even in Seattle. The more time I spent in New York the more I realized there were things about it that would never work for me, and I just didn't want to do it anymore.

And what about school? Weren't you starting this fall?
I was scheduled to start a Masters in Gastronomy program this fall at Boston University. I was working through my financial aid forms and thought, 'hmm - 5 years to finish the program and I'll be 40, $35000 more in debt, commuting weekly to Boston and I'll have lived 5 more years in a place I can't stand. Is this a good idea?' Just because it didn't work for me here doesn't mean I can't make it work somewhere else.

When's this all happening?
I'm leaving New York early in the morning of 11/23 and my good friend Tanarra and I are driving Grendel across the country. We should arrive in Seattle somewhere around the 27th or 28th.

Where are you going to live? What are you going to do?
Not to worry, I have got a cunning plan. I turned to my good friend Holly for the answer to the housing question...I'll be back on Capitol Hill beginning 12/1 in yet another unit in the kidney (for those who don't know, that's the Malden), my fourth apartment there. For work, I got a contract gig in Redmond.

Are you baking?
Well, not really. After some really difficult baking jobs over the last year, I'm taking a break from the whole thing. I'd like to get back to doing it because it makes me happy, not because there's a deadline or a paycheck at the end of it. For now, I'll bake for friends and just little things, but no more formal affairs. Sadly, that puts me out of the running for Bethany's cake in February, but I'm hoping to make amends to her and her lovely husband-to-be by baking something just for them.

Are you bringing any other baggage back with you?
No kids, no men, only a new mattress. Movers will pick that up sometime at the end of December, along with a few other things I accumulated. For now, only personal effects and the dog. So no, no new baggage. Oh yeah, and the random brick-throwing habit I picked up when I'm honked at by a car. You have been warned.

So what's your plan?
For now, get back and get comfortable. Pay down debt, think about buying. Yes, that means laying down roots. Get more dogs. Find someone. You know, all of the usual things. But working to live, not living to work.

When can we get together?
Give me the first week of December to get my bearings, to buy some things for the empty apartment, and to figure out much money I'll have left in my account. And then, I'll make soup and whomever wants to come over can come and sit on my wooden floors and visit. And for all of you who haven't lived in NYC, the send-offs are long and liquor-filled. I've already sworn off drinking for the rest of my stay here after a little game of dodge-car and getting-to-know-your-vomit-container. So forgive me for my teetotaling. It won't last forever.

Much love to everyone and have a happy Thanksgiving. I'll see you soon.

Falling, falling

2005-09-07T23:45:00.000-07:00

***CONTENT WARNING***THIS IS A TRANSCRIPT OF A DREAM AND HAS NOT BEEN SANITIZED FOR CONTENT, GRAMMAR, ETC.

I call a car service. A hovercar arrives, Harry Connick is the pilot. We take an express tube across the bridge into the city - I am feeling the Golden Gate Bridge, but an entry into lower Manhattan. He is laughing and driving very fast. I think about it being the fastest hovercar ride I'd ever had - and it charged to my company card.

He drops me off at a small German bakery, wooden floors and glass display cases. Jessica is there already, picking out sweets. She has numerous to recommend. We go to the register to pay and she reminds me that she used to work there - we could work for a little while in exchange for the baked goods. She will funnel the workers to the register and I will process them before they are paid. It is like a welfare line - who are you, what have you done today, how much do we owe you, etc. A man comes up, said it had been a hard day. The bakery goes quiet and someone whispers, 'Fin's here. The finman is here.' I turn to look - he looks like Mark Wahlburg in Four Brothers - slick back hair, goatee, older.

He tosses his guns on the table. I asked someone what the finman did, but I never received and answer. Fin sighed, drew a smoke and started picking dirt from the barrels. I looked at him and was transported into his reality.

I was dressed in military gear. I had a large gun, an orange safety vest on and a pair of thin white cables hanging from my helmet to a battery pack in my vest. Unplugging it would immediately cause cardiac arrest - it was like a life support monitoring system, but also a power supply for the body. I stood next to my partner - she cartwheeled toward me, did a flip in the air and landed so that our uniforms interlocking systems locked into place. I faced one way, she another, side-by-side. When one moved the other automatically did a corresponding movement to provide instant cover fire. It was like the interlocking mechanism caused mirror image movements in the partner, yet both were individuals who could initiate any action. It's just that the power pack and the interlock caused each to have the ability to pick up additional automatic motions.

We walked onto the battlefield - it was a test environment. There were people watching from all sides. She shot her weapon, I laid down cover. We moved like a 4-armed goddess of war. Suddenly everything went quiet and hazy, slow motion. I looked around and saw my white cables disconnected from both pack and helmet - I should have been dead. I looked at the crowd, at my partner - who was not as close as she had been a moment before. I saw my orange safety vest drift across the ground, dragging up a thin layer of dry dirt. Down at the cables again, at the vert again - then at the ground, which was coming up quickly. I stood back and watched myself slowly fall to the ground, almost lay down - puzzling over the cables, the safety vest, the ground. My eyes shifted as my head hit the ground, jarred by the impact I could still make out the vest blowing toward a tumbleweed. My eyes shut with the slowest speed.

Blue Man and the Truth

2005-09-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

***CONTENT WARNING***THIS IS A TRANSCRIPT OF A DREAM AND HAS NOT BEEN SANITIZED FOR CONTENT, GRAMMAR, ETC.

This is an origin story - how a person got the special powers he had.

A man is taking his wife to dinner at a fancy restaurant - they have late reservations but he decides to surprise her by taking her early. Upon their arrival at the restaurant, the chef - Tyler Florence - is prepping to cook for and serve a large table. Apparently, the chef knew the couple was coming and hadn't anticipated their early arrival. He had not planned to cook for them - so when they were seated at the table he was taken aback. This is because he was having an affair with the wife - the husband was completely in the dark until he saw them interact. Something in his being just knew this was happening, and it changed him forever.

The man now had the power to show people the truth. He can show them that which they are afraid to see, and he can also force the truth upon people who do not want to see. He goes mad. His body is bright blue, he is bald and naked. He begins to force the truth on people indescriminately.

Fast forward to a bathroom.
A child with special gifts - a boy - has just dropped something on the tile floor and his mother is trying to coach him on using his powers to put the object back together. It is a collage-type piece in a frame, but has come apart like little mosaic pieces all over the floor. There is a noise outside the door. I stay with the child. I am dressed in all white, as is the mother and the child. Almost like a bodysuit, but it covers our hair too. The mother looks at me - she wants to continue to encourage the child, but she needs to investigate the noise. I stay with the boy - he is about 8 years old.

Outside, the blue man grabs the mother's head - he is going to force his truth, his pain on her. She is pure of mind, only thinking of her child. The man does not understand why she resists so. The child pieces back together the object, his head swelling from the effort. I know what is happening outside - there is a horrible scene as the mother struggles to maintain her mind. I open the door, exposing the child to the man and the man to the child. The man drops the mother, who is irrevocably damaged from the transfer. He stares at the child in shock and shame, crying, 'I'm so sorry, I didn't know...I didn't know.' The child stares into his eyes, forcing the man to experience the child's own truth. The man runs from the room.

Albert and Death

2005-09-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

***CONTENT WARNING***THIS IS A TRANSCRIPT OF A DREAM AND HAS NOT BEEN SANITIZED FOR CONTENT, GRAMMAR, ETC.

I went to bed early last night - before 8:30 in fact, sick to my stomach and feeling bleary from spending the day in the sun. I think I have food poisoning or a kidney infection. Everything aches. From all of those growls and pains I had an incredible sleep, just awake from hours of traveling, visiting people I don't know and nearly dying. Here's the scoop.

At some point last night, I started with a tour of a gallery. It was a private viewing, something a little unusual for me - the artist as my tour guide. Martha, in a smart pink suit, showed me her very Rothko-esque work, panels of silver and gray and red with small accents along seams between the color blocks. She was not the Martha we know now, but was a snobbish artiste-type, Soho-featured, schooled but naturally talented (and with an amazing business acumen). I wasn't walking fast enough for her - she left me behind while I finished the exhibit myself.

From there I walked to an adjoining hotel - I don't know where I was going or why, but I went through the lobby and found myself entering a suite of rooms on a low floor. There was a young man resting on one of the couches - all of the furniture was of the Baroque or Rococo style. There was another woman in the room - older, dressed as a maid or a servant. She was fussing about the young man who wasn't feeling well. I looked at her, took a wet washcloth from her and went to his side, gently easing him down on the couch. He was flush, his curly blond hair wet. I made him comfortable - removed his sneakers and socks, loosened the collar to his shirt, and wiped his brow and his neck with the cloth. He dozed quietly, appearing to feel better. I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead and stood to leave, but he opened his eyes and held my hand. He asked me to stay, saying that he would feel better with an angel by his side. I smiled - I am no angel, I replied - but I would stay with him. I knew him as Albert. His family came home later and shooed me out - being neither family nor a servant paid to do the job, they could not understand my attention to him. I left.

It was then that I was with my brother in the lobby of our old restaurant - waiting for the right train to come by. The counter was gone - the restaurant was no longer a restaurant but was a sort of refugee station. This must be in response to all that I have seen on the news in the last few days. Trains came by - their subjects shouted by the conductors when the doors opened. 'History!' shouted one. 'Poetry,' another. One only had a few moments to gather belongings before hurling into the train - and I did not want to miss my train. I knew there was more than one train I would have to take, but I was not packed and I was not ready to leave my brother behind. When 'Literature!' came roaring through, I told him that I would take a later train, that I wanted more time to pack. He said he would come with me, but he was not ready to leave either. We stood on the platform watching the train leave.

When I turned around, it was nighttime and I was staring into the lobby of a clinic on the corner of two streets. The building looked like a yellow bungalow-type house, wood paneling on the side with a wide glass door in the front. To my left stood a friend - I don't know who she was, but I had the sense that she was a friend. We were talking about entering the building. Conspiring, actually. We walked into the building - and from this point on, I am in flashback in the dream. I recall her telling me that unless we believed in bad happening, nothing bad would happen. She wasn't sure she believed it. I had just walked away from a fire that should have killed me - and she insisted that it was because I believed it not happening. I don't recall what I believed. She took a blowtorch to her hands - and sure enough, she did not burn. But there was doubt in her eyes. She looked directly into the flame, yet nothing happened. When she switched off the blowtorch, we saw the damage. She immediately started dying, her arms and hands burned black, her throat crunchy, her jaw taut. In the glow of the flame she did not believe she would die, but she did not have faith. I called an ambulance as I cradled my friend in my arms. She spent her last breath whispering that it wasn't possible...and when I looked closely I saw her eyes were aglow the same color as the flame from the blowtorch. I dropped her immediately, laid back and closed my eyes. She stood up, demanded I look at her - screaming that it couldn't be possible that she was dead when I was not. She shook me, took my head in her hands and tried to get me to see. I believed completely that she was dead - this was not possible, I was not hearing her voice and I was not feeling her next to me. After a few minutes, she stopped moving - accepting death herself, I imagine.

A police car pulled up. I stood and walked to it, expecting an ambulance but happy to have anyone there. Their flashlights came out - they were pointing them to the sizzling mass inside. They explained they had been called on an alarm, and that security cameras had shown four older men sitting in the lobby of that small clinic, passing cigars and making deals. Immediately, I stood amongst them, looking from face to grizzled face, wondering what their disturbance had to do with the death of my friend. When I looked to where my friend had been laying, I was transported back to my spot on the curb - looking in at her as her eyes were aglow again, a gun in her hands. She fired, the police couldn't see where the shots were coming from. She was shooting at me. bullets whizzed past in slow motion as if shot into a barrel of water - blue flame around the tip of the bullets. I closed my eyes, dropped to the ground and rolled - trying to avoid the bullets but also trying to recall that feeling of faith in which I knew she was dead - that was the only way she would stop firing and that I would survive the hail. The firing stopped. I stood and was alone on the street under a streetlamp, looking into an empty yellow house with a big glass entry window.

How it all went down

2005-08-29T04:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe this is for posterity, but many bore witness to this week so I wanted to let you know how it really happened.

The circumstances were simple - we met online. Wrote frantically, lingered for hours on the phone together. There was an instant heartfelt connection, shared experiences and upbringing had brought us to the same place. I came out on Wednesday. It's early Monday morning now.

We met after dinner on Wednesday night. I went to his place, we shared a bottle of wine and talked for hours. I drove home hazy and delighted at 3am.

We started Thursday with babka and coffee at his place. After we finished breakfast, we walked through the neighborhood looking at trees, plants, houses, gardens. Our walk took us to a beautiful cemetery that was pearched atop a hill. We sat next on a bench talking about the engraving before us - about the limited number of times we can draw from the well - about how many times we are granted the opportunity to do something like visit our families, spend time with good friends, eat dinner together. From there we walked through my favorite park, lingered in my old neighborhood (admiring the new art installation), and had lunch. A trip to Seattle's new library followed - 10 floors of ramps and modern architecture, vantage points, secret spots, splashes of color all for us to discover. We took in every last view before walking back uphill for a late afternoon coffee and then a quiet dinner together. We went back to his place and talked some more, then I left.

I thought Friday would never arrive. I'd spent almost every waking moment with him the previous day, talking and looking and laughing. He drove us to breakfast and then to our first viewpoint of the day looking out from Queen Anne across Lake Union. We stayed for a long time taking it all in. Then a quick drive past the house he lived in, and a long stop at Gasworks where we put our bare feet in the sundial at the top of the hill and looked over the city in front of us. We sat quietly together for a long time. Our last viewpoint of the day was from the marshy hiking trails along Foster Island and the Arboretum, parking at MOHAI and walking through the woods. Warblers, finches, jays - all came out for song and we stood looking over the canal towards school. He drove us back to his place, I left and he went to work. Late after work we met for drinks. And talk.

Saturday started with babka and coffee again - we knew this would be a short day because he was working and I was supposed to leave. We ran a small errand, walking through the neighborhood and winding up at a smaller library and then a lingering walk through a new grocery store. We walked home, laughing and talking the whole way. Not catching any real emotional pull thus far, I asked how it was all working for him. He was gentle when he told me he just didn't feel any more than what was just there. I knew then, I had known already. Unable to tell him how I felt (it was just too emotional), I went back to the medium where we were most comfortable and I wrote. The flight sold out. I had drinks with another friend that night.

This morning I knew he had read what I'd said - there was a new strain to his voice, a searching not present before. But we were determined to have the wonderful weekend we'd promised ourselves and we decided it best to just enjoy each other's company for the rest of our time. We had breakfast again and walked to a wonderful bakery to buy dessert for later. We went back to his place to talk, and soon afterwards I left so he could go to work. Tonight it rained for the first time all week. I offered to pick him up and take his bike home so we could have our dessert together. He graciously accepted. We got back to his place, made coffee and ate dessert, lit a few candles and listened to music. And talked. Then he walked me back to my car, gave me a hug and said goodbye.

It's been a long time since I've put myself in a place like this - and I suspect it will be a long time before I do it again. The weekend was the best I'd ever had, bittersweet though it was. He is a gem, mold broken, a man in the truest sense of the word (and a gentleman at that, gracious and polite and so real). This, my friends, is what it feels to ache, to want, to hope and to live.

I hope to make a flight later this morning, because my time here is done for now. I will see you all soon.