To Go With the Cookies I Left For You...

Remember writing Santa Letters? I think I stopped writing them when I was a kid - Santa was never an illusion to me, but it was a sweet tradition. In high school we could pay for column space in the paper to write Santa Letters. I think I had one of the longest in the paper that year, my crowning wish was that kiss from Bill Wilder, #51 on our high school football team.

I thought this was a good year to revisit the Santa Letter. There are things I wish for my friends and family that I never really have the chance to say, so Santa-in-blogland will bear witness (witless?) to this year's long list. I'll try not to get maudlin.

To el numero uno, my shadow and my conscience, my approver and sweet companion, I wish my little dog good skin, good health, and more QT with me. And I suppose I owe him cookies this year too. He turns 11 next week on New Year's Eve.
To Tanarra, the best friend and best bar fight backup I know, there isn't anything I could wish for you that you won't make happen yourself. I know this - we come from the same stock. But, if I can help bring some peace and tranquility to that world of yours, it would make me very happy - and I think you too.
Jessica will get her pilot's license and her Pilot's license to be ridiculously happy too. And Jay, you make a mess over there and I'll personally fly down there and stomp you. So be good to her, she deserves it. I'm watching.
Shana, the simplest gift would be a red latex corset. In lieu of that, my friend, may this coming year bring you the answers you seek and the clarity to recognize them. Take time, you have lots of it and lots of life. And Justin, I know you're reading this - I see a lot of myself in her at her age, and if I say so myself, she's going to get even better. Just watch.
Eric, thank you for everything this year. You helped me make Seattle home again and for that I cannot thank you enough. But man, we have to find you someone who loves that salt and pepper beard as much as she loves everything you cook for her. Because you are far too good a catch to walk alone.
Leslie, I hope John Galt walks up to your Virginia cabin and sweeps you off your feet. He'll have in tow a dog and the secrets of the universe. That's your clue. In the meantime, get the hell out of New York.
Bill in the Carolinas - you and I have gotten the best gift of all, space. Everything is clear. If you're half as happy as I am, I couldn't wish any better for you. Thank you for always being there for me. I hope to always be there for you too.
Bill and Tuesday, happy first Christmas you married people. May this be the first of a lifetime of bowling and green stuff.
Erin and Eric, the other marrieds - I hope this holiday brings you the complete happiness that I saw in both your eyes the day I witnessed your vows. Take care of each other. Erin, let him spoil you rotten.
Eric and Edith, my Nick and Nora in New York...toasts to you, and good toasts. I walked past the Zig Zag yesterday (Brian, the bartender from Pegu poured mixers from there) and shuddered. Come visit, I'll take you to the mythical pork sandwich in heaven.
Mike, know what you have. Set yourself a plan and get on it because I promise that first step is a doozy, but after that it's not so bad. Your kids will love you always. They may not understand for a while, but they will in time.
Robert, dude, I miss you. You are one of the funniest people I've ever met and I just want the very best for you so you can keep making other people laugh.
Shay, be good. This year has brought a lot of changes for you. Take time to understand them and grow from the things you've learned about yourself and about other people. You are amazing and beautiful. Don't ever give that away.
Winter, I'm so happy to have met you - and I see great things for you. You're just getting started - embrace everything, learn and become the person you're destined to be. And I hope next time I see you, you still don't recognize me. Means I'm changing too!
Lynn, your presence on the team brings balance - I'm always in awe of your composure and your self-effacing manner. Thank you for listening and always being true to who you are.
Cherish, the last years have been so hard, but you have come though with grace and style. There are few people I wish I could be more like, and I am so happy to have your friendship. Grendel loves you too.
Lowell, you are not forgotten. Your strength comes from a place I don't know - you too have walked the path of fire and seem to have come away singed but stronger for it. Like a good piece of iron.
Johnson, keep working on yourself. You have far to go. And tell your mother you love her, she deserves it.
Pedro, now that you're out of school it's time to start your education. Protect your heart, but open it to those who love you. And listen to yourself. You haven't gotten here without reason, so trust yourself.
Jeff, like T, I've never imagined you not getting what you set yourself out to get. Think big, you can get it.
Frank and Keith - stop going to SAP meetings. If the system utterly shuts down, then someone will have to step up and find a way to help the broken system. As long as you keep it on life support, it will never be allowed to fail or survive on its own.
Joe, Garden City. Time with your princess and her mom. Teach her to swing a bat properly. She'll be such a looker when she gets older. She'll have to use those bat swinging skills to keep guys away, and only bring home the ones to Papa that know how to handle her and the bat.

Everyone else, you know who you are. May this holiday season bring you the comfort you all so richly deserve. If it doesn't come visit me here. I'll show you the grass is in fact greener. :-)

And Mark, I am so proud of you my brother. I could get you stuff (I know you want an XBOX 360, but come on), but why should I when you seem to have everything that makes you happy? I just wish I could spend some time with you in your town, enjoying food like we used to eat when I was there, listening to music and driving around. Mom said you bought dinner for the whole family last night - wow. Bet they never expected that.

And last, but certainly not least, Todd.
I don't even know where to start. You have brought something into my life that was entirely unexpected, and I am speechless for it. There's so much I want to give you, I would cheese out everyone reading this if I started listing things out. So you'll have to settle for me, take who I am and what I bring into your heart and decide if this works for you. This is just the beginning, but I hope the beginning of something remarkable and true.

Remember in your hearts all of those who lost this year, lost so much.

Everyone, Merry Christmas. I love you all.

Facts in 20/20

Okay, okay. I get it.

So I speak the language of dead white guys. Who can fault me when I say that an amazing night is ended with the sound of the lark, rather than the cold clank of the radiator and the snoring of the dog? Thanks, all you Romeo and Juliet fans who caught the reference (none of you! shame!).

The 'he' in my last few posts has a name. So yes, I'm talking reality language here.
He is funny, sweet, warm, thoughtful, smart, earthy, and has a smile that lights me up.
He makes me feel so special, so adored, so natural.
Oh yeah, and he has the approval of my dog. Not just a 'yeah, you're okay,' but a 'hey, hey, looky who's here I'm gonna run to you and wag my rear end and not hump you or bother you when you're talking!' approval.

There are a thousand million things I want to do with him.
And I want everybody to know, everybody. Cuz man, oh man.

Speechless. Really.

I woke this morning and the moon was setting huge behind the fog. The lark sang too soon, and I craved more songs of the nightingale, more time. Every time I close my eyes his smile comes to me, his laugh rings in the echoes. My guardian and charge approved with wagging agreement, and he took my heart and made it his.

And so it is...just like you said it would be.

Life goes easy on me, most of the time.
- Damien Rice, The Blower's Daughter

Something happened. I'm trying desperately not to write about it because I'm absolutely terrified that if I do it will stop happening or I'll wake up or...I don't know. That somehow it will slip away, just disappear.

But then again, I want so badly to explain the smile, the sleepless nights, the why, why, why. Why you'll see me this week looking somehow different. Maybe it's the hair. Maybe the grin. Don't know. Maybe you won't notice at all.

Maybe you'll think it's because I moved. Or because the dog is healthy, or because the job is challenging and pays well and because it's beautiful here. Yes, it's all of those things.

Perhaps I'm afraid to say it aloud because I'll sound like a 16 year-old. Or because for all that I like to say that I don't care what others think (and I really don't), I'd hate to think that people think I'm flighty. Or easily swayed. I've always been the rock, the unwavering and steady, the reliable. The disaffected. Or maybe it's what I'd like everyone to think. That I don't need anyone, that I'm some sort of self-sustaining force of nature.

But someone cracked the code. It was a very simple code, I advertised it to anyone who would hear me, who'd listen. But few took me seriously, maybe most thought I wasn't really capable, willing, or soft. Or maybe it only mattered to others like me.

I don't know what to do here, it's been so very long since I've been here in this spot. I can't apply logic to this, or a timeline or anything of reason. And in matters like this, I don't have a very strong track record.

But I will try. Again. And again. Until there's no more air in my lungs, until the last shuffle in my chest. There is a fear and restless joy at being here, and not being here alone.

I will pour my soul into the cup for him to drink; he knows not what is possible.

Notes from the Jar O' Wisdom

[Note from the editor: The spelling and grammar and sentence construction you see are those of the authors. And many of them were intoxicated when they wrote these. I am taking no responsibility for how insulting and rude these are...deal with it. These folks are your friends too. And by the way – for those who wrote in our book – you folks need to learn how to construct a story! I can’t put that stuff in here – Tanarra the toothless stripper and my jaunt across America with Lenny Kravitz. Man, no more alcohol for you fools!]

I am beginning to understand that the 'purpose' involved in this trip is not what is gained in the actual traveling. This part is fun in the experience and adventure it provides. But the real 'meaning' of the trip does not begin until it is over. It is then that all the experience transforms into memory, and then the memory is reflected against and contrasted with past memories to form 'perspective.' With this perspective we now see our lives through new eyes, and things seem fresh again. We are focused and clear of mind. - Brian Overcast, June 2, 2000

Quotes from Brian and Shawn Overcast's road trip journal:
What animal has the largest eyes?
- Giant squid
(trivia from a guy at a bar in Albuquerque)
Go soothingly on the greasy mud, for therein lurks the skid demon.
- Chinese road sign
Everything in life is someplace else, and you get there in a car.
- E. B. White
Sometimes the miles just disappear but sometimes you have to drive every single one of them.
- Graham Coster
What a long, strange trip it’s been.
- Grateful Dead

Make sure you always have 1/4 of a tank of gas especially when there might be traffic and you could run out.

Eat salmon.

Get a radar detector because Tanarra is a speed demon!

If you have to drive +500 miles per day, don’t do it drunk. If the conversation stops for 40 seconds after 12:00 midnight on the road, STOP...

STUPID: Play different characters at each dinner stop. Not allowed to do one sentence in your ‘own voice.’ Play each other at the 1/2 way dinner stop.

Good luck! - from Ive (attached to a chocolate turkey)

Sharepoint can do it, you just have to make it do it... - Brian Vaughan, IT Server Engineer

Visit the San Juans.

When life gets tough...MASTERBATE! Nothing like a good old fashion orgasim [sic] to clear your mind. - Sherryon :)

Your true friends know you better, in the first moments that you meet, than your acquaintances will in a lifetime. [ed: I think I know the author of this one...]

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. [ed: I think this is John Lennon’s line...]

DENZIL [ed: he leaves his phone number and e-mail address]

If you get the chance, live on a boat.

Tell a secret to the Northern Star. [ed: I did, while driving through South Dakota.]

Do you think he was really gay? [ed: I have no idea about whom this note was written...]

[there’s an incredibly sexy mathematical proof in here...I can’t transcribe it because I don’t have the right keys...]

Go slow, take it all in, immerse yourself. It’s your life to live...

Easy on the teeth. Ouch. [ed: same handwriting as ‘Do you think he was really gay.’ Hmm.]

A man whose watch falls in the toilet will have shitty time.

You told me...Remember that sometimes you need to finish/close projects. I’m reminding you your same words.

Never trust a girl who doesn’t eat meat. Ever.

Se habla espanol. Amor de lejos, es amor de pendejos.

Cut Shana off after 2 drinks next time! Please! Thanks, Shana :) [ed: NOTED!!]

Sing a favorite song at the top of your lungs. [ed: I know I know who wrote this!]

Jenny, don’t forget your ‘b----- b----- d------!’ Love, Danny [ed: how could I?]

Words of an optimist: I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way!

Watch a French New Wave film from the ‘50s. [ed: Leslie, you are the only spiritual one on here...]

When in doubt...use teeth.

Only look up at the rain with goggles on.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. When you get a nasty one spit that motherfucker out and try another. -Winter/Forrest Gump

Don’t eat yellow snow. [ed: man, I’m so glad I have you guys as friends!]

Make sure you eat lunch and a snack to avoide low sugar crankiness. [ed: thanks, Mom]

Never trust a Mormon. Ever.

Pirates and Sir Mixalot: All about the booty.

French fries and a hamburger can make almost any situation a little better.

‘The best way to predict the future is to create it.’ - Stephen Covey You are creating your future & I couldn’t be happier for you. - Love, Erin

Don’t stand next to a man peeing when the wind is blowing in your direction. [ed: unless you’re into that sort of thing]

NEVER APOLOGIZE for being true to yourself (your feelings, desires...) :)

LUBE! Lots of LUBE!

Do you know what the queers are doing to the ozone?

There are four major moments in your relationship to NYC:
When you first see it
When you move there
When you move away
When you return as a jaded visitor
‘been there, done that, know which train’

Never pay a tranny.

With shoes, and people you’re attracted to for that matter, if you say no and then can’t stop thinking about it for three days, just go for it.

Remember...just because I understand doesn’t mean I care!

Always put your money on the black donkey.

Don’t take the path most traveled. Find your own way and leave a trail. [ed: I corrected the grammar on this one because it was such a nice sentiment!]

On Journaling...

I was cleaning out some boxes from my once-flooded storage unit here in Seattle when I came across a notebook that had served time as a journal. I've probably got 20 of these laying around, and each time they come up I spend some time reading and trying to piece together what was happening. Let's just say I'm a prolific writer. I'm also a sack of crap romantic - I can't get a line straight in my head without adding the dime words and the gothic-era emotions.

Anyway, this particular journal covered a year in the life...from falling for someone to rebounding with someone else to getting ready to leave for New York. It was a hard journal to read - but not as hard as those I found from 10 years ago that clearly showed the early signs of a marriage that wasn't working (that lasted another 5 years). But I picked it up again and started writing - the voice is older, a little more acerbic - but no less romantic. Guess some things never change.

Boys on Crack

Something else has been on my mind lately: I do wonder if there's not an epidemic sweeping the nation - this illness of being 'emotionally unavailable.' I can't tell you how many men I've met (sorry guys - prove me wrong when I say this) who describe themselves as emotionally fragile, unavailable, damaged, and otherwise not a good catch. Of course, it could be me - I tend to bring that sort of quality out in men (come on, boys - grow a pair!) - but I've seen so much of it lately I'm thinking about permanently spiking all of the water in my house with rye whiskey or something to put hair on the chest of the men who stop by. I can't decide which is worse - the phrase 'let's be friends' or 'I'm emotionally unavailable.' Maybe that's just an updated version of the same thing.

But, as if I needed a reminder as to why my last comment's really not such a big deal: yesterday I saw my first air-lightsaber battle in the hallway at the office, complete with sounds and dialog ("Luke, I AM your father!").

It's Been a Week Already?

Seems like I just arrived.

I'm still running into tons of folks - at this rate I will have seen all of my friends here without effort.
- Bill and Tuesday, the couple for whom Tanarra and I built a wedding cake in May. I'll be spending Christmas with the newlyweds. Ran into them while eating dinner nearby.
- Steve Schmitt, the guitarist and self-anointed brain surgeon of the Diminished Men, Tyler's former band. Saw him while shopping for olive oil. Check out their stuff: http://www.diminishedmen.com!
- Erica Brewer, the newly-minted fiancee of Peter Johansen - a childhood friend of Tyler's. She's a classy violinist in the area and has plenty of upcoming shows: http://www.thebellatrio.com/erica. She was on her way to the grocery store, I was out for a walk.

I did make an effort to spend Friday evening in the company of some great bakers, Bennie and Emma, without whom I would be in a lonely island of sugar and butter. We ate lots of tasty food at the Black Bottle and caught up on the last year.

Work is...just work. There's something strange about working in a team that is made up entirely of contractors. None of us has enough information to be dangerous - so there's little incentive to take a project and run with it. I'm working on a project that has well over a hundred other people working on it - and at the end of the day all I am is a little cog. Where that would have driven me crazy in the past, I'm quite happy to surrender the reigns on this one. It doesn't mean I won't do my best, but it does mean that in the end there's a very clear line of ownership and I simply don't count in the grand scheme of it. So when someone tells me it's time to go home, I go. I don't sweat it, there's plenty of work tomorrow. That is different.

Another notable change is the makeup of the office. I walked in and it was instantly noticeable. I walked down the hall and heads came out of the office, whispering, 'a girl, did you see that? another girl!' I mean, it wasn't quite that silly, but there's a meat market quality to working in this industry, especially when the ratio is still 8:1. Gotta start flexing those eyelash batting muscles!